I want to start this post off by saying that GOD IS GOOD. He can bring ruin from ashes and redemption from pain. But following God does not mean we will live lives free from pain and anguish. God allows us to go through those times in order to teach us, grow us, and restore us to Him. He is good. He is faithful...
Grief isn't an ocean. It's a wave. It keeps pummeling you every time you think you've broken free. Every time you finally are able to catch your breath. Every time you think "Finally I am past it. Finally I can keep my head above water and move forward from this place," It crashes over you again, pulling you under and shoving you back into the depths.
We had it all planned out from the moment we got our first positive pregnancy test. We planned how we would announce it, what the announcement picture would look like, how we would tell our families. Everything. I knew the plans I had for the next year as we prepared for our future child. But God knew the plans He had for us. He knew our child wouldn't make it. He knew it was time to call our precious baby home to Him. He knew my body and the baby were incompatible and it would be better for my child to come home to Him than for both of us to be at risk.
And while He knows the plans He has for us, He also knows our pain. He knows how I grieve and how I cry out for our loss. He knows that my heart screams out silently every day. He knows I want to crawl inside myself and hide away. He knows the guilt, shame, fear, and anger I feel. And He takes it all on. He bears my burdens with me. He doesn't force me to heal and "move on". He doesn't tell me "maybe you shouldn't talk about it if it makes you so sad". He listens, He comforts, He accepts my anger.
And I was, and sometimes still am, so so angry. I prayed over my child from the moment I had the positive pregnancy test. I prayed for protection for my baby. I promised God I would spend my life raising my child to love Him and serve Him. I promised to be a good steward of the gift God was giving me. I begged and pleaded for a safe pregnancy. And yet I lost our child.
On August 31, 2017 my world was shaken and I felt a loss unlike anything I have ever experienced before. In one day, the ultrasound went from showing something to nothing. That's how quickly my body rejected the pregnancy like it was nothing...like it wasn’t the most precious thing in my life. With each part of the miscarriage process my grief started anew, with a new wave crashing over me and crushing me down into the depths of despair. Each time I found myself not thinking about our precious child, the grieving process started all over again.
I often feel guilty for forgetting even for a second and feel ashamed for living my life happily again. I feel the loss acutely. I feel anger that it happened to me. I feel confused as to how this could have happened. I feel terrified to try to conceive again. I feel loathing towards my body for betraying me and taking this from me. I feel numbness and shock as I try to wrap my mind around everything. I feel pain and a sort of anger with myself with every post I see of friends announcing a new pregnancy, or friends with happy, healthy pregnancies or with precious, whole, safe newborns. I feel frustrated that no one who hasn’t been through it understands my grief or cares to listen without saying "it'll be ok".
Miscarriage is not something that everyone can understand. You do not truly understand the pain and emotional turmoil until it happens to you. When my sister went through her miscarriage last year, I remember texting her and saying I was sorry and that God had a plan. I did not know how much pain she was in and how much a heart can grieve over the loss of a human being that has never been held or touched. I did not know the deep, jagged wounds miscarriage carves into a human heart. I did not understand that no words can ease the pain. There is no "right thing to say".
It won't be ok. It never will be. And that is ok. God heals all wounds. Yes, wounds leave scars. And I will forever have deep, jagged, painful emotional scars that will be with me for the rest of my life. The waves of grief will become fewer and farther in between, yes, but they will still come. But even so, God is good.
God is good. His grace is abundant. He is the giver of life. He is the God of miracles. He walks beside me and I know He will not not abandon me, no matter how rough the road of life may become. Through this process, He is teaching me that He alone can fill this hole in my heart. I need to be patient in the process and stop continually working towards "the next thing". It is through seasons of pain and grief that He does the biggest and most impactful work.
God alone can mend this hole in my heart. Not Patrick. Not my family. Not work. Nothing. I must choose to let go and let God do His will in my life. Letting go of my expectations, my timeline, and my hopes and dreams is the only way I can find peace, patience, and understanding. Grief cannot overtake me so much that I miss out on the blessings God has in store for me and Patrick. God brings beauty and life out of the ashes and dust of painful times. We only have to trust.
Miscarriage. My Story.
Monday, September 18, 2017
Matthew 7:24-27
24 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. 26 And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”
Bad things happen to everyone. Period. Bad things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. It's a fact of life. Try as we might, we can never avoid the difficult times life has to offer. It does not matter how much you do to try and avoid those things, because they will still find you. Instead of devoting countless hours and efforts towards pointless evasive maneuvers, we should focus on preparing ourselves for when those times arrive. And arrive they will.
Time and time again, we try to build our lives around temporary things because it is easier. We devote our time and pledge our allegiance to things that lack the substance to weather the storms of life. We waste our time, energy, money, and emotions making idols out of nothing. We make idols out of money, careers, relationships, alcohol, children, social media "likes", etc. The list goes on. In college, I made physical fitness and thinness my idols. I obsessed over workouts, calories, and what I allowed to impact my body. I neglected time with God over time spent running long distances, purging foods, and counting calories. I made anorexia my god.
Can you guess what happened when a huge "storm" took a direct path through my life and laid waste to everything? My idol did nothing. The winds and the storms had come out in full force, and my idol provided me with nothing substantial to rely on or to derive comfort from. I was left alone to deal with my pain and my emotional injuries. The thing I was standing on and staking my life on was not solid ground.
I was like the man in Matthew 7:24-27. I built my "house" on sand. The things of the world cannot sustain and give peace. Money can be gone in an instant. Jobs can be taken away unexpectedly. A husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend can leave with no reason. Alcohol is a temporary high. Children will disappoint at times. Social media...don't get me started on that. The only constant in life we are ever promised is God. God is the solid foundation on which we should build our house/life because He can weather any storm.
In yesterday's sermon at Grace City Church (I would love for you to come with me any Sunday), the preacher made this point about Matthew 7:24-27: "Our location after the storm is determined by where we were standing in the midst of it." The location we build our houses will determine if our home is still standing (solid ground) or in ruins (sand) after the storm. Preparing your heart for the storms of life doesn't have to be fruitless. But it doesn't mean things will be easy.
Let's be real. Christianity is easy and fun until we face difficult times. That is when things get real. As a Christian, you will not survive if you operate under the assumption that everything will always be easy and great. That's naive. The Bible is full of verses about enduring suffering as a believer.
Romans 5:3-5 "We rejoice in our sufferings because we know suffering produces endurance."
James 1:2-4 "Count it all joy when you face trials in life."
Romans 8:18 "I consider my sufferings as nothing compared to the glory God will reveal in us."
John 16:33 "In this world you will face many trials."
Need I go on?
Let me tell you, when I learned that I could not avoid bad things, I finally felt free for the first time. All throughout my childhood, and even up until two weeks ago, I felt like I could prevent bad things from happening. If I called to check on my family enough, they would be fine. If I double checked that the house was safe and secure, it wouldn't burn down or no one would break in. If I watched my health and was careful, nothing bad could happen to me.
But you know what? Bad things happened. My mom had a tumor. My dad had precancerous cells. My grandfathers both passed away. Crime still happens in our neighborhood. Things happened to me physically that I could not control. And I will admit...for most of these things, I gave in to fear and despair instead of turning to the solid rock I could have built my house on. I claimed to be a Christ-follower, and yet my house had no power inside. I looked and acted like a Christian, but I did not have God's peace and His presence permeating all of me.
Ever since Pat and I got married nearly two years ago, we have made it a point to attend church every Sunday that we are able. We have joined City Groups where we can grow, learn, and be discipled by others. We have gotten involved at church and joined teams where we can give back. We have committed to making decisions to be lights for Christ to others. We have been building our houses on the solid rock of Christ.
A couple of weeks ago, we went through the first life-changing trial we have had since we built our lives around God. In previous years, something like this would have been a huge set back. I would have wallowed, lashed out at everyone around me, stopped going to church, and withdrawn from everyone and everything. This time, I was prepared. Yes, I was devastated and spent a good week crying. But I still turned to God. I still cried out to Him. I still leaned on Him and found comfort and solace in Him. More than anything, I needed to be in my church home.
Building your life on the solid foundation of God is the best decision anyone can make. You won't be guaranteed a pain and suffering free life. You will, however, be guaranteed a hiding place to turn to when you need unconditional love, peace, and comfort.
24 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. 26 And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”
Bad things happen to everyone. Period. Bad things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. It's a fact of life. Try as we might, we can never avoid the difficult times life has to offer. It does not matter how much you do to try and avoid those things, because they will still find you. Instead of devoting countless hours and efforts towards pointless evasive maneuvers, we should focus on preparing ourselves for when those times arrive. And arrive they will.
Time and time again, we try to build our lives around temporary things because it is easier. We devote our time and pledge our allegiance to things that lack the substance to weather the storms of life. We waste our time, energy, money, and emotions making idols out of nothing. We make idols out of money, careers, relationships, alcohol, children, social media "likes", etc. The list goes on. In college, I made physical fitness and thinness my idols. I obsessed over workouts, calories, and what I allowed to impact my body. I neglected time with God over time spent running long distances, purging foods, and counting calories. I made anorexia my god.
Can you guess what happened when a huge "storm" took a direct path through my life and laid waste to everything? My idol did nothing. The winds and the storms had come out in full force, and my idol provided me with nothing substantial to rely on or to derive comfort from. I was left alone to deal with my pain and my emotional injuries. The thing I was standing on and staking my life on was not solid ground.
I was like the man in Matthew 7:24-27. I built my "house" on sand. The things of the world cannot sustain and give peace. Money can be gone in an instant. Jobs can be taken away unexpectedly. A husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend can leave with no reason. Alcohol is a temporary high. Children will disappoint at times. Social media...don't get me started on that. The only constant in life we are ever promised is God. God is the solid foundation on which we should build our house/life because He can weather any storm.
In yesterday's sermon at Grace City Church (I would love for you to come with me any Sunday), the preacher made this point about Matthew 7:24-27: "Our location after the storm is determined by where we were standing in the midst of it." The location we build our houses will determine if our home is still standing (solid ground) or in ruins (sand) after the storm. Preparing your heart for the storms of life doesn't have to be fruitless. But it doesn't mean things will be easy.
Let's be real. Christianity is easy and fun until we face difficult times. That is when things get real. As a Christian, you will not survive if you operate under the assumption that everything will always be easy and great. That's naive. The Bible is full of verses about enduring suffering as a believer.
Romans 5:3-5 "We rejoice in our sufferings because we know suffering produces endurance."
James 1:2-4 "Count it all joy when you face trials in life."
Romans 8:18 "I consider my sufferings as nothing compared to the glory God will reveal in us."
John 16:33 "In this world you will face many trials."
Need I go on?
Let me tell you, when I learned that I could not avoid bad things, I finally felt free for the first time. All throughout my childhood, and even up until two weeks ago, I felt like I could prevent bad things from happening. If I called to check on my family enough, they would be fine. If I double checked that the house was safe and secure, it wouldn't burn down or no one would break in. If I watched my health and was careful, nothing bad could happen to me.
But you know what? Bad things happened. My mom had a tumor. My dad had precancerous cells. My grandfathers both passed away. Crime still happens in our neighborhood. Things happened to me physically that I could not control. And I will admit...for most of these things, I gave in to fear and despair instead of turning to the solid rock I could have built my house on. I claimed to be a Christ-follower, and yet my house had no power inside. I looked and acted like a Christian, but I did not have God's peace and His presence permeating all of me.
Ever since Pat and I got married nearly two years ago, we have made it a point to attend church every Sunday that we are able. We have joined City Groups where we can grow, learn, and be discipled by others. We have gotten involved at church and joined teams where we can give back. We have committed to making decisions to be lights for Christ to others. We have been building our houses on the solid rock of Christ.
A couple of weeks ago, we went through the first life-changing trial we have had since we built our lives around God. In previous years, something like this would have been a huge set back. I would have wallowed, lashed out at everyone around me, stopped going to church, and withdrawn from everyone and everything. This time, I was prepared. Yes, I was devastated and spent a good week crying. But I still turned to God. I still cried out to Him. I still leaned on Him and found comfort and solace in Him. More than anything, I needed to be in my church home.
Building your life on the solid foundation of God is the best decision anyone can make. You won't be guaranteed a pain and suffering free life. You will, however, be guaranteed a hiding place to turn to when you need unconditional love, peace, and comfort.
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