As we grow older and move forward in life, there will be
things, memories, and histories accumulated that we may not necessarily be
proud of or want to share. It’s a normal
part of life to have regrets and to make mistakes. The biggest, and most important, thing is how
we choose to react and move forward from those moments.
In my life, there have been plenty. I made countless poor choices as a
teenager—choices that endangered my life, hurt my family, and hurt others I
cared about. In my college career, I
allowed myself to fall into the suffocating grasp of anorexia and exercise
bulimia. What ensued was a two-year
battle to reclaim my body and my mind.
Even as an adult, I have made my mistakes. But, the important thing is, I have learned
from all of my mistakes. I know now how
deeply my poor choices can affect those around me. I have learned how quickly eating healthy,
exercising, and monitoring my weight can turn to obsession with loosing more
and more pounds on the scale. And, after
a failed marriage, I learned what I do and do not want in a marriage; but, more
importantly, I learned what a marriage really is.
If you have read my earlier posts, by now you know I have
been married before. I got married
relatively young (at the age of 23—engaged at 22) and did not truly understand
marriage. All I knew was, he made me happy,
he said he loved me, and that was all I needed.
It didn’t matter that every single person in my life cautioned me
against it—they said it was too soon, he wasn’t right, we didn’t know each
other well enough (and they were right).
But, I was too stubborn to admit it or take a step back. I am not speaking ill of my ex-husband. But, what I am saying is we were clearly very
wrong for each other and too young and immature to realize it. Things obviously did not work out, but, God
always has a plan for our lives and He will ALWAYS redeem the deep valleys in
our lives.
For a while there, I wasn’t sure I would ever find someone I
would be 100% certain and comfortable enough with to get re-married. Sure, they may have been people I cared about
or loved, but never someone I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I would never
have any hesitations about. Being that I
have been married before, I knew what I wanted to bring to the table if I ever
re-married, and I knew what I needed him to bring as well.
1. I knew it would be all about the marriage
itself, not the big elaborate ceremony.
I will admit, my first wedding was way too big. It was grand, it was elaborate, it was
fancy. And it so wasn’t me. At the end of it all, I was too stressed out
about tiny, insignificant details to truly be present during the vows and to
remember any of it. The wedding ceremony
had zero emotional weight to it because of the “show” of it all. None of the focus was on the fact that I was
about to commit to spend the rest of my life with someone.
I knew that the next time, all it would be about was me and
him, standing before God and committing to a covenant relationship between us
before God. Nothing else would matter to
me. You aren’t committing to this big
elaborate show. You are committing to a
lifetime of work and loving this person.
2. I know what marriage truly is about and what
it takes.
Marriage is not about finding someone you are attracted to,
who also happens to have a great personality, who you like hanging out with. All of that (minus the attraction thing) are
what you look for in a friend. Marriage
is hard work. Marriage is a commitment. It is a choice. Yes, it is a lot of fun. You get to spend every day with your best
friend. But, it isn’t all fun.
Once you get married, you are no longer this individual
entity. Your identity becomes you as a
couple. You make choices together. But you also have to make sure you don’t get
lost in his identity. You have to learn
to grow as a couple, yes, but also grow
in your own right. You become stronger
in Christ, and more unified. But you
also challenge each other, push each other to grow and to be more. You push each other to succeed.
You compromise (a lot).
There will be arguments. You will
have to suck up your pride and apologize.
You must adapt and evolve and be open with that person to ensure your
marriage will weather the storms. When
you fight, it cant be about you and your hurts and your anger. You have to realize the power your impulsive
words have over your life partner. Words
yelled in a moment of heightened emotion can carry over into the future moments
of your marriage.
You have to choose to love that person every single day,
even when the mushy-gushy newlywed feelings fade or aren’t there at all. You have to keep the romance alive, keep
dating them, keep doing little things to show them that you love them and think
of them. Marriage is work—but the
results you reap are more than worth the effort.
3. I knew what he had to value above everything
else, including me.
No matter how much I may like a guy and feel like he is
perfect, I knew he had to be a certain kind of man. I knew he had to have a heart for the Lord
and that he needed to be a man who encouraged me in my own walk with the Lord. He needed to value not only his own
relationship with the Lord, but also mine.
He needed to be just as concerned with my spiritual walk as he is with
his. He had to be willing to, and want
to be, a spiritual leader for us as a married couple. He needed to be the “iron that sharpens iron”
in Proverbs. Yes, I want us both to grow
in our individual walks, but I want him to see the value in studying, praying,
and growing together too.
4. I knew what kind of man he needed to be.
It takes a special kind of man to put up with my crazy
self. I am impulsive, stubborn, naïve,
forgetful, OCD, emotionally driven…need I go on? Granted, I have a lot of good qualities, if I
say so myself. But, in every
relationship, you will eventually unearth the not-so-fun qualities in a
person. I knew the man I married would
need to be patient, slow to frustration, levelheaded, analytical, easy going,
and willing to call me out when I am being a dumb-head. The biggest thing out of all of those, is
someone who is not afraid to tell me when I am being ignorant, stupid, or naïve. Sometimes, I make choices or do things that I
don’t realize at the time are not healthy for me. And sometimes, when family calls me on it, I
am not receptive to hearing it. I knew
I needed someone who would not be afraid to say “you are being an idiot” and to
lay it all out for me—in a patient and loving but stern manner, of course.
I truly could go on and on about this. But I truly feel everything else would fall
under these categories.
Why are you posting
this? Many of you are probably
thinking. As most of you may know, I
recently remarried. Well, just know, the
strong, intelligent, kind, forgiving, patient, godly man I married met all of
these criteria and beyond. Heck, I could
do whole blog post about the man he is (and maybe I will). But, for those of you who are dating,
seriously committed in a relationship, or engaged…I challenge you to learn from my experience and
to never ever settle. It may seem like
there will never be anyone you feel 100% about or who will meet every single
thing on your list (yes, you know you have a list). But TRUST ME!
He is out there. Sometimes, God’s
timing and plan takes some time. But the
end result is ALWAYS worth the wait. And
I praise God for His perfect timing in bringing me the man he set aside for me.
