Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl who were not even aware of each other’s existence.  The boy was living his own life, wondering if he would ever find someone who he felt was 100% who he wanted to be with for the rest of his life.  The girl was living life on her own, not sure she ever wanted to remarry again, not sure there was such a thing as the person who would make her truly happy in every way.  Until they met each other…Sounds like the recipe for a fairy tale, right?  Well…in some way, yes, it was, and in other ways, we had our struggles at the beginning.  Considering our one-year DATING anniversary is in less than one week (October 16!), I thought it would be fun to write our story.

You see, when Pat and I first met, both of us were in relationships.  He had been dating the same girl for a year and a half, and had come to the point where he realized that she wasn’t who he wanted to be with for the rest of his life.  In fact, he wondered if he would ever find someone he actually wanted to marry.  Meanwhile, I was in what I guess you could call a relationship.  The guy turned out to be a not-so-prince-charming type of guy who lied and mislead more than anything.  But, neither of us was in a hurry to move on into another relationship.  But there was one person who called “bull” on that and was determined to open our eyes to the possibility of each other. 

See, I worked out with this girl, Elise, who also happened to be one of my dearest friends.  She also happened to work for the same company as Pat.  One day back in June of 2015, she and I were working out and suddenly she started waving.  She turned to me and said, “Oh, there’s Patrick.  He works for Davita too!”  He walked up, they exchanged words, we briefly introduced ourselves, and that was it.  End of meeting.  A few weeks later, Elise decided we should invite him to join our workout group.  So, we did and he started working out with us.  Given that we both were in relationships, we didn’t exchange many words outside of the topics of gym and Davita, which was fine with me, because 1) I have social anxiety and new people sometimes make me awkward, and 2) neither of us were available.

Then, one day, something changed.  Patrick was single—he had broken up with his girlfriend…and I had already come to the realization I was unhappy in my own relationship.  I began to see him in a new light…a more romantic one I guess you could say.   We were able to talk, carry on a conversation, and joke around. Elise and her husband invited me over for dinner, and I encouraged her to invite him over (but told her not to tell him I told her to invite him—so childish, I know).  I found myself wanting to spend more and more time with him.  After a couple more weeks, Patrick began pursuing me…hard.  He was very, very persistent.  He was convinced we needed to give dating a try.   In my head, I agreed; but I am horrible at hurting people’s feelings and found it hard to end it with the other guy.  Pat knew I was unhappy, and he knew I wanted to end it but hadn’t found a way to just yet. 

In his pursuit of me, Pat wasn’t pushy, he wasn’t disrespectful, and he didn’t put any pressure on me.  Each day he just engaged me in conversation, asked me about my life, took a real interest in me as a person.  He offered me advice on my family, he helped me come up with ideas for ways I could incorporate fun into my teaching, he gave me advice on how to potty train my dog.  He waited.  For nearly two months, he waited.  He tried dating other people, but in the back of his mind, he said he always knew they weren’t right and he needed to keep waiting for me.

I remember one night, I was lying in bed, about to read my Bible and pray over my feelings.  The other guy was texting me, demanding I ignore my quiet time and talk to him about what was going on between us.  Patrick, however, told me to turn off my phone the moment he found out what I was doing.  He encouraged me to seek after God and His will.  He valued my relationship with God, which I had never experienced before with a guy.  In that moment, it was like a weight was lifted and I finally had the courage to end things with the other guy.  The next day, Patrick and I met up to discuss where things stood and what we wanted out of all of this.  I told him my reservations, and he told me his.  But, we ultimately decided to give it a go.  

Needless to say, things worked out--even though that night, my dog had a #2 accident in his apartment, I panicked, threw it away in his trash, and didn’t tell him…which stunk up his apartment for the next two days until he found out what happened…oops.  Ha.  Silliness aside, with Pat it was easy.  I could talk to him about anything.  I could share the deepest, darkest parts of me that not even my family knew about.  I could have intellectual, adult conversations about things that mattered to me.   I could also act a complete fool around him.  (Thank God there are no hidden cameras in our home, because we have been known to run around, making strange sound effects, playing hide-and-seek.  And there may have been a time I hid in the dog’s kennel to scare him.  Just saying.)  Most important of all, though…he loves Jesus and he encourages me to grow in my walk.  He desires to grow in his.  There are so many other little things in our story leading up until the day we got married…one and a half months after we started dating.  But that is definitely another blog post to come.  The point is, we met, he waited, he prayed over us, he waited some more, and God finally brought us together.

And they lived happily ever after.

Healing

"Time heals all wounds."  How many times have you heard that phrase?  How many times have you banked on that promise and waited…and waited…but never found relief and recovery?  So often, we sit back and wait on time to do it's thing.  We wait for our broken heart to mend after the guy we thought was "the one" broke up with us.  And again, we wait for healing when he moves on, but we haven't.  We wait for our fears to subside after going through a traumatic experience.  We wait for the resentment to go away when someone wrongs us--no matter how big or small that wrongdoing was.  But what happens when time doesn't do its thing?  What happens when we wait, and wait, and wait…but we are still stuck hurting, resentful, scared, and alone?

The dangerous thing about waiting for time to heal, is that it can quickly turn into a slippery slope of anger…and even hatred.  Time frustrates us.  It embitters us.  It makes us apathetic.  These thing all lead to anger.  Anger is one of the most poisonous, dangerous, life-ruining forces I have ever experienced.  It gets into your bones, your heart, and your soul.  It makes us say things to people we love…things we never thought we would ever say.  It makes us lash out at others in hurt, when in reality, they aren't the one you are upset with or wronged by--its the person who hurt you.  It makes us give ultimatums to people--makes them choose between us or something--or someone--else.  It makes us bitter, selfish, and even petty.  But why is this?  Why does anger turn kind, happy people into hateful, lonely people?

It is easier to be angry than it is to face the mountain head-on and begin recovery.  It is easier to blame others than it is to admit that maybe we were wrong.  Maybe that guy wasn't "the one" and you should be happy that he is happy--after all, if you really do "love" him, then your love should be selfless and include his happiness over your own.  Maybe that traumatic experience you went through has a can have a purpose.  Maybe the horrific injury you went through or the person who violated you can still serve some kind of good purpose in your life.  Becoming angry and waiting to heal isn't going to do anything.

Healing only comes in facing things and admitting we are hurting, admitting we are helpless to save ourselves, and admitting we need help.   I have been through enough trauma, enough pain, and enough hurt to know this firsthand.  When my parents went through a divorce, I could't move past it without help.  When my trust in someone I loved was horribly violated, I had to voice it…I had to talk to someone.  When I went through a period of serious depression and suicidal thoughts, I had to get help.  When a tornado destroyed my university and I saw and heard things I still can't get out of my head--I had to confront it and work through that.  When I went through an eating disorder that consumed my body, my muscles, my bones, my mind, and my emotions, I had to get help before it killed me.  When I went through a divorce and lost everything and most everyone, I had to face the realities of what happened, what I did, and what it cost me.  When I kept making countless poor choices as I spiraled out of control, I had to ultimately own up to it, admit I was in the wrong, and make a complete 180 in my life.  I don't share all of these things to "one up" anything you are going through or to show you how strong of a person I am.  I share all of these things to say, whatever you are going through, someone out there has gone through it too.  They survived.  You will too.

Don't let your anger towards that friend destroy a friendship that once meant something to you.  Don't let your bitterness towards that guy keep you from moving on and finding the guy who actually IS the one for you.  Don't let the person who violated you and your trust years ago keep you from trusting others and having healthy relationships down the road--and PLEASE don't let it become an excuse for unhealthy relationship patterns down the road.  Don't let your past actions and past history dictate a future full of shame and regret.  Let all of these things be mountains you surmounted, obstacles you overcame, and lessons you have learned.

And now…the religious part because, yes, I am a Christian.  And yes, I will openly say God is the ONLY reason I had the strength to move on from these things.  Counseling and medications helped for the traumas, the depression, and the hard times.  But God is the Master Healer.  He is the only reason I am still alive today.  When the paralyzed man at the pool was waiting to get in so he, too, could be healed, Jesus was straight forward.  There is no power in the pool.  The pool was just a bandaid, a "tool", if you will…kind of like how we use alcohol, medications, and drugs to try to self-medicate and heal ourselves.  The man thought the pool would heal him in time.  Notice:  he thought time would heal him.  But, Jesus is the only one with healing power.  The only healing power we will find is in Jesus and his compassion for us and our situations.  Want to know something though?  Jesus heals us for one of two purposes:

1.  He heals us to handle.  He heals us in such a way that we cannot walk through these hard and painful times without Him.  Through His power, He gives us resilience to handle it until it is over.  So many times, this is how I experienced healing in Jesus.  My depression didn't just disappear.  It was discovered through a fateful phone call to a friend at one in the morning.  My dad happened to wake up and had this strong feeling he needed to pick up the phone and listen.  And thus began my recovery process in Christian counseling.

He will heal us to the deepest point of need for us to survive and keep on moving.  He heals us to handle because his grace is enough for us.  He knows what we need more than we do.  It is often the things we want to wave a wand and make disappear that Jesus uses the most in our lives.

2.  He also heals us for His glory so that we may give testimony that He is the only explanation for what has happened.  Think of the friend who had cancer that one day was simply gone.  Jesus healed the man at the pool for His glory.  He told him to pick up his mat and walk.  And He trusted in Jesus to do what he said he would do.

So, how will you begin healing?  Will you keep waiting for time to take away the pain, hurt, anger, and resentment?  Will you keep blaming others for things that are not their fault and for things that no longer are in your control?  Or will you trust in Jesus to take it away all at once, or at least heal you enough to handle and learn what He is trying to reveal to you?

Friendship

Friendship.  When you think about it, it is a pretty simple thing at its core.  It comes with a list of certain "criteria":  honesty, trust, respect, fun, laughter, time spent investing in one another.  But, have you ever thought about how our criteria really and truly change over time?

When we were little kids on the playground, everyone was our friend.  We didn't have a concept of who was weird, or "not cool".  We accepted any and every person and would welcome any newcomers.  We had sleepovers and birthday parties and every one was invited.  Not a single kid was excluded.  But then, we got older.  In middle and high school, we were aware of who was "cool" and who was "weird".  We become more picky in our choices of friends.  We choose those who are similar to us in personality.  We are less welcoming and less accepting of those who are outside of what we deem "normal".  We claim "dibs" on our friends and don't want to share because, to us, everyone in our group is our "best friend" and no one else can claim them.

But then, this beautiful thing happens once we reach adulthood.  We stop seeing what is "cool" and what is "normal".  We begin to FINALLY mature past pettiness and selfishness.  We accept that it is ok to have friends who have friends we don't know, or even like.  We understand that friendship is not about what we have to offer one another in terms of popularity and acceptance--or even in having a good time.  We see that friendships, true friendships, edify us.  Real friends challenge us, they call us out on our stupidity and selfishness.  They make us want to grow and be better people.  They want to talk about real things and be vulnerable.  And we want to offer the same things to them.  Friendship is no longer seen as a transaction or as something where we ask ourselves, "what can I gain from being this person's friend?".

As an adult who has finally reached this point, it makes me desire intentionality in my friendships.  Yes, I have those people who I can hang out with and have a good time, and even carry on a conversation with.  And I value those people.  But, I also find myself desiring to find people who I can be intentional with in developing a mature, adult, relationship with.  I want people who I can be vulnerable with, share my heart with, and still have a good time with them too.  And I am completely ok with the fact that they have other friends too.  Being adult means you no longer have "besties" or call everyone you know your best friend.  It means you have real, adult friendships that add value and meaning to your life.  And you accept these people for who they are--flaws and all.  Having real relationships means you can go to each other and have those hard conversations and confrontations--because you don't fear that, in doing so, you may lose a friend.

And let me tell you, finally reaching this point was the most freeing thing in the world.  Over the last couple of years, one of my friendships has evolved into this kind of adult relationship.  Before, if one of us was hurt or offended, or even jealous of the others' friendships, we would stay quiet and stew on it.  And it would slowly eat away at us until we exploded.  But, we finally learned that, if you have a grievance or a hurt, it is OK to talk to each other.  Now, when one of us is upset, we immediately say "hey, did you mean that comment this way" or "I feel like we don't spend a lot of time together, and you seem to spend a lot of time with her.  Is it cool if we hang out one weekend?  And hey, bring her too!".  The most amazing thing happened when we started doing this...we grew to be closer as friends and we learned from each other.  Isn't that a beautiful thing!?

So, how do I define friendship, in light of all I just said?  To me, true, deep, meaningful friendship means:

1.  Accepting the other person, faults and all
2.  Understanding, its ok to share each other with other people/friends
3.  Telling the truth, even when it is hard
4.  Challenging each other to be better people
5.  Making time for each other when life if busy, even if its just sending a "thinking of you" text
6.  Enjoying hanging out and having a good time
7.  Enjoying sitting around doing nothing but talking
8.  Being able to trust each other and respect each other
9.  Allowing yourself to confront them when you are upset and knowing they will not penalize or punish you for it
10.  Being real.

I challenge you, reader, to find people who you can look at and say, "they fit the bill".  Surround yourself with people, with community, who you know will make are a better person for knowing them.  But hey, its also ok to have friends, not so close friends, who you just want to go out with and have a good time.  Those types of friendships are important too.  Let me tell you, coming to this understanding of what friendship is all about, is the most freeing thing you will ever experience.


Source: http://elitedaily.com/life/ways-define-true-friendship-mid-20s/1701234/

Marriage and Re-marriage

As we grow older and move forward in life, there will be things, memories, and histories accumulated that we may not necessarily be proud of or want to share.  It’s a normal part of life to have regrets and to make mistakes.  The biggest, and most important, thing is how we choose to react and move forward from those moments. 

In my life, there have been plenty.  I made countless poor choices as a teenager—choices that endangered my life, hurt my family, and hurt others I cared about.  In my college career, I allowed myself to fall into the suffocating grasp of anorexia and exercise bulimia.  What ensued was a two-year battle to reclaim my body and my mind.  Even as an adult, I have made my mistakes.  But, the important thing is, I have learned from all of my mistakes.  I know now how deeply my poor choices can affect those around me.  I have learned how quickly eating healthy, exercising, and monitoring my weight can turn to obsession with loosing more and more pounds on the scale.  And, after a failed marriage, I learned what I do and do not want in a marriage; but, more importantly, I learned what a marriage really is.

If you have read my earlier posts, by now you know I have been married before.  I got married relatively young (at the age of 23—engaged at 22) and did not truly understand marriage.  All I knew was, he made me happy, he said he loved me, and that was all I needed.  It didn’t matter that every single person in my life cautioned me against it—they said it was too soon, he wasn’t right, we didn’t know each other well enough (and they were right).  But, I was too stubborn to admit it or take a step back.  I am not speaking ill of my ex-husband.  But, what I am saying is we were clearly very wrong for each other and too young and immature to realize it.  Things obviously did not work out, but, God always has a plan for our lives and He will ALWAYS redeem the deep valleys in our lives.

For a while there, I wasn’t sure I would ever find someone I would be 100% certain and comfortable enough with to get re-married.  Sure, they may have been people I cared about or loved, but never someone I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I would never have any hesitations about.  Being that I have been married before, I knew what I wanted to bring to the table if I ever re-married, and I knew what I needed him to bring as well.

1.  I knew it would be all about the marriage itself, not the big elaborate ceremony.

I will admit, my first wedding was way too big.  It was grand, it was elaborate, it was fancy.  And it so wasn’t me.  At the end of it all, I was too stressed out about tiny, insignificant details to truly be present during the vows and to remember any of it.  The wedding ceremony had zero emotional weight to it because of the “show” of it all.  None of the focus was on the fact that I was about to commit to spend the rest of my life with someone.

I knew that the next time, all it would be about was me and him, standing before God and committing to a covenant relationship between us before God.  Nothing else would matter to me.  You aren’t committing to this big elaborate show.  You are committing to a lifetime of work and loving this person.

2.  I know what marriage truly is about and what it takes.

Marriage is not about finding someone you are attracted to, who also happens to have a great personality, who you like hanging out with.  All of that (minus the attraction thing) are what you look for in a friend.  Marriage is hard work.  Marriage is a commitment.  It is a choice.  Yes, it is a lot of fun.  You get to spend every day with your best friend.  But, it isn’t all fun. 

Once you get married, you are no longer this individual entity.  Your identity becomes you as a couple.  You make choices together.  But you also have to make sure you don’t get lost in his identity.  You have to learn to grow as a couple,  yes, but also grow in your own right.  You become stronger in Christ, and more unified.  But you also challenge each other, push each other to grow and to be more.  You push each other to succeed.

You compromise (a lot).   There will be arguments.  You will have to suck up your pride and apologize.    You must adapt and evolve and be open with that person to ensure your marriage will weather the storms.  When you fight, it cant be about you and your hurts and your anger.  You have to realize the power your impulsive words have over your life partner.  Words yelled in a moment of heightened emotion can carry over into the future moments of your marriage.

You have to choose to love that person every single day, even when the mushy-gushy newlywed feelings fade or aren’t there at all.  You have to keep the romance alive, keep dating them, keep doing little things to show them that you love them and think of them.  Marriage is work—but the results you reap are more than worth the effort.

3.  I knew what he had to value above everything else, including me.

No matter how much I may like a guy and feel like he is perfect, I knew he had to be a certain kind of man.  I knew he had to have a heart for the Lord and that he needed to be a man who encouraged me in my own walk with the Lord.  He needed to value not only his own relationship with the Lord, but also mine.  He needed to be just as concerned with my spiritual walk as he is with his.  He had to be willing to, and want to be, a spiritual leader for us as a married couple.  He needed to be the “iron that sharpens iron” in Proverbs.  Yes, I want us both to grow in our individual walks, but I want him to see the value in studying, praying, and growing together too. 

4.  I knew what kind of man he needed to be.

It takes a special kind of man to put up with my crazy self.  I am impulsive, stubborn, naïve, forgetful, OCD, emotionally driven…need I go on?  Granted, I have a lot of good qualities, if I say so myself.  But, in every relationship, you will eventually unearth the not-so-fun qualities in a person.  I knew the man I married would need to be patient, slow to frustration, levelheaded, analytical, easy going, and willing to call me out when I am being a dumb-head.  The biggest thing out of all of those, is someone who is not afraid to tell me when I am being ignorant, stupid, or naïve.  Sometimes, I make choices or do things that I don’t realize at the time are not healthy for me.  And sometimes, when family calls me on it, I am not receptive to hearing it.   I knew I needed someone who would not be afraid to say “you are being an idiot” and to lay it all out for me—in a patient and loving but stern manner, of course.

I truly could go on and on about this.  But I truly feel everything else would fall under these categories.

Why are you posting this?  Many of you are probably thinking.  As most of you may know, I recently remarried.  Well, just know, the strong, intelligent, kind, forgiving, patient, godly man I married met all of these criteria and beyond.  Heck, I could do whole blog post about the man he is (and maybe I will).  But, for those of you who are dating, seriously committed in a relationship, or engaged…I  challenge you to learn from my experience and to never ever settle.  It may seem like there will never be anyone you feel 100% about or who will meet every single thing on your list (yes, you know you have a list).  But TRUST ME!  He is out there.  Sometimes, God’s timing and plan takes some time.  But the end result is ALWAYS worth the wait.  And I praise God for His perfect timing in bringing me the man he set aside for me.