Fork in the Road

Following God is not an easy thing to do.  It requires sacrifice, discomfort, and even pain.  Sometimes the path He calls us down seems so crazy, so radical, that most would call us insane for even considering taking that way.  But, then again, He promises us in His word that his way is not going to be easy.  It will be difficult.  It will sometimes even cause us to be persecuted.  But the beautiful thing is, He will always equip us to handle whatever may come.

The last several months, I have been feeling a real pull, a calling, to move back to Memphis.  My marriage failed, but I stayed because I wanted to prove to myself and others that I could stand on my own two feet.  I also had started working at PACE, and was loving it.  I did not feel ready to move back and I felt I could have my own life here.  And I did.  I settled in, got adjusted to the job, excelled in my work and my masters degree, and I even started seeing someone.  I thought my life was where it needed to be.

But, eventually God calls us to come out from the world and be separate.  We need to return to Him and to who we are in Him…not in our own definitions and limitations.  He calls us to be like Him and to be sold out for Him.  It is not enough to just go to church occasionally, pray when there is need, and to be a "good" person.  We are to be sold out for Him and for His purpose for our lives.  He is the one who made us, created us exactly as we are with all of our strengths and even weaknesses.  Don't we owe it to Him to devote ourselves to Him when we are His to begin with?

But He gives us free will.  We can choose to live for Him, or we can chose to live for ourselves or for the world.  Lately, I have been living for myself and for the world.  I have been selfish and blind.  I traded in time spent with God for time sleeping in, watching TV, or just sitting around doing nothing.  I traded in a Bible for trashy magazines and books that aren't edifying.  I have been planning my life based on my wants for my future instead of based on what God may have for me instead.

And now I see how badly I want what God has for me.  I had the honor of watching my sister get married a few weeks ago and I do not lie when I tell you that it was the most beautiful wedding I have ever attended.  My sister and her now-husband are so sold out for God individually, and to see them come together as a couple and then again as husband and wife, living together built around their faith in Him…words cannot even describe the beauty of it.  The spur each other on, sharpen each other for God.  Their entire wedding was centered around this, and on their excitement to live as a married couple ready to fulfill the purposes God has for them together to impact those around them.  The wedding was not all about them but rather about what God has planned and what He will use them for in that plan.

Witnessing this just solidified in my mind that I need to come out and be separate.  I need to start living my life for God NOW and I need to go wherever He calls.  No matter the cost.  No matter the discomfort.  No matter the pain.  And, oh is there pain.  Lately, I feel God pulling me to Memphis.  I need a fresh start.  I need to heal from my divorce still.  I need to rediscover myself as a person, but also as a child of God.  I did not allow myself time to do this after C and I split.  And it is catching up to me.  Not only that, but I also originally had a heart for Memphis and for impacting the educational system there.  Can I do that from Florida?  No, not really.

And now I find myself at a fork in the road.  A job offer on the table, two interviews done and awaiting an answer.  The time frame?  I will possibly move to Memphis in the next few days, the next week, or maybe even the next two weeks.  Quit my job.  Pack up my belongings.  Leave behind my dog and the guy I have been seeing.  Leave behind my friends.  Leave behind the coworkers/work family I love so much.  So little time left.  And I am absolutely terrified.  I ask myself if I am pushing my plans to make them become God's.  Does he really want me to go so quickly?  Am I meant to find myself in Him here in Florida?  Or do I really need to go to Memphis?

A friend recently told me:  "I find that the times we hurt the most show where our faith lies.  It can be in the comfort of a guy, popularity, athletics, friends, etc. to ease out emotional pain.  Or we can turn to God through the pain and say 'yeah this is gonna hurt and suck a lot but I know what you are planning out is what is best for me…Every change has anxiousness and fear of the unknown, but that is what draws us closer.'"

So now, I have to make my decision.  I have to solve this "fork in the road" situation. I know God will redeem me no matter what choice I make.  I know that He will use whatever happens.  But, I want most of all to be in His will and honoring Him in my choices.  So, I covet your prayers, friends.  Be praying for clarity and for me to make the decision that most honors Him.