I am not perfect.  I never have been, nor will I ever be perfect.  I have made mistakes--many of them.  And I have sinned greatly.  The sad thing is, I have spent the last two years of my life trying to atone for these sins by trying to prove to people I am changed.  But the thing is, the only person I should have been striving to "get right with" is God.  He is the forgiver of my sins.  He is the one who I should be trying to please…not people.  He knows my heart and who I am.  He knows the person I am inside.

It wasn't until these last few months that I truly realized that I know who I am, Whose I am, and the kind of person I am.  No one can take that away from me.  Yes, I have sins and things that I have done that have caused so much pain to so many people.  But, I no longer live my life praying no one finds these things out, hiding these things.  If people know who I was and the things I have done, then that is ok.  I now see it as a chance to show them how God has redeemed me over these last two years.

People do hurtful things when they are hurt.  And unfortunately, some recent happy events in my life, as well as some decisions a friend of mine has made with regards to social media (but, I don't control my friends--do I?)  have caused someone else pain.  And what do we do when we are hurt?  We lash out.  Misery loves company, right?  I have been there.  I have been that person in the past.  The thing is, this person somehow knows all about some deep, dark skeletons in my closet…and they have chosen to also fabricate things about me.  And they have chosen to share these things with people--especially with those closest to someone who is now a huge part of my life--in hopes that it discredits me and him.  In the past, I would have done everything I could to explain away what happened, or even deny it or try to cover it up.

But you know what?  Now, I fully acknowledge that some of what is being said is truth.  I have sinned. I have made mistakes.  I have done horrible things.  But…the beautiful thing is, I am redeemed in Christ.  I have begged God for forgiveness, I have made intentional efforts to change myself and to learn from my mistakes.  And I have.  If you ask those closest to me, they will agree that I am not who I once was.  I have changed and turned my life around (as cliche as it sounds).  I am secure in who I am as a person now.  I know I am a good person, who sometimes will make mistakes.  People can say whatever they want, believe whatever they want.  The only thing that matters to me is that 1)  I am God's and I am in right relationship with him; 2) My friends and family know me and know who I am and the person I am deep down inside; and 3) I am proud of who I am now and how far I have come since 2013.

People are not always going to like me, agree with my choices, or want to be my friend and get to know who I am.  And that is ok.  I am truly happy with my life, the people in it, and the person I am.  I have worked so hard to grow as a child of God and to put him at the center of who I am as a person and the choices I have made.  So, if you don't agree with me, or want to talk about who I was two and a half years ago, that is ok.  You do what you need to do to cope.  But, just know, it does not change my happiness, or my security.  I am God's, I find my identity in Him, and I know Whose I am.

Time.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about time.  How quickly it goes by, but also how slowly it goes by.  How cruel it can be, but also how enriching and wonderful it can be too.  Time, I think it is safe to say, is a multi-dimensional paradox of a thing.  When you are young, you want time to speed up, to get you to where you want and what you want.  When you are older, you often find yourself wishing it could rewind itself.  And, even in those middle years, you’re wishing for time to sloooooooow down.  So, I have to ask…is there ever a point in our lives where we find ourselves perfectly content with time and how it flows?

I hear my students say on a regular basis they wish they were X age.  They want to grow up so quickly, it stuns me.  It doesn’t matter how many times I tell them to enjoy their teenage years.  To take advantage of every single moment and every bit of security they may have.  I get a few eye rolls, a few “can you shut up now” looks.  But, I mean seriously.  I wish I could still be a kid.  Not have to pay bills.  Not have to clean my apartment.  No going to work every single day.  LAWD I would love that.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being an adult, but things are much simpler when you are a kid.

When I was little, I remember wanting to grow up quickly.  I wanted to date boys.  I wanted to drive.  I wanted to graduate high school.  I wanted to finish college.  I wanted to get married.  I wanted the perfect job.  I can’t remember a time where I was perfectly content with where I was at any given moment.  There was always a “next thing” I was looking forward to.  Even now, at twenty-seven, there’s things I wish would hurry the heck up; and, there’s also things I wish I could go back and experience again.  There may even be things I wish I could do differently.  But, even though I find myself thinking that way, I do know I feel much more content with the place I find myself now. 

I have learned there is no point to wishing time would speed up.  Some days will go by quickly, and some will crawl by at a snail’s pace.  I cannot do anything to change this.  Instead, I have to learn how to live in the moment and love where I am.  I have learned to love the hard parts of my life.  When I have to scrub my bathroom and am gagging while I clean the toilet bowl, I remind myself how blessed I am to even have an apartment I have to clean.  When I walk my sweet puppy and she is pulling me so hard I feel my arm will pop out of socket, I tell myself how much I love coming home to her and her goofy little face.  When I drag myself out of bed during the weekdays, I think back over how many incredible young ladies I have had the privilege to teach over these last two years.  You get the point. 

Sometimes, when we get frustrated with time, we simply need to reframe our thinking and remind ourselves all of the good things that come with patience and perseverance.  Rather than trying to rush things and rush time, sometimes it is best to truly soak it all in and think over all of the wonderful things happening in this place and in this time.

Don’t Label Me.

Don’t Label Me.

I think I can speak for most people in their late twenties and early thirties when I say there is a certain set of questions we get asked on a regular basis.  And by regular basis, I mean almost every freaking week.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s nice when people take an interest in me and my life.  But, it’s a whole other ballgame when I feel like you are trying to put me in the box of “you should be here in your life by now”.  Seriously.   What are these questions?  I am so glad you asked…

1.     Are you seeing anyone?  You can’t tell me, if you’re single, you haven’t been asked this in the last few days.  In fact, I was asked this just yesterday by a STUDENT.  And if I say yes to whoever asks this, almost every time I get this look of “aw you poor thing” or “you must be so lonely”.  It is perfectly ok to be perfectly happy being single.  In fact, I experience the most growth during times of singleness.

2.     When do you plan on getting married?  Is it not ok to have a plan to not plan for this?  I am a big fan of taking life one step at a time.  I don’t feel a need to get married and start that page of my life yet.  There’s so much in the world I want to see and experience…So, I actively plan on not having a plan for this one.

3.     Do you not want kids?  Because not actively working towards marriage MUST mean I don’t want kids.  Right?  Wrong.  It just means I am not married yet.  Because to me, kids come after marriage.  End of story.  I don’t judge those who opted out of this pattern of thinking.  It’s just not for me. 

4.     Where do you see yourself in five years?  I will never forget the moment my mom asked me this as I drove her to the airport a couple of months ago.  While this isn’t a completely out of line question, it was the way she followed it up that threw me.  She told me I needed to think long term about where I want to end up.  If I want to be in Memphis, maybe I should date boys from Memphis and look for job in Memphis.  Honestly, the place I see myself in five years is wherever God calls me and puts me.  That’s it.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not “blasting” those who ask these kinds of questions.  I am simply saying, I don’t like this line of thought.  I am my own, unique, one-of-a-kind person.  I don’t follow any specific timelines or patterns.  I am not made to fit into a mold.  God created me as my own, unique being to go and do as He calls me.  This may mean I am a crazy dog lady when I am fifty.  Bring it on.  But, if He chooses to bless me with kids, a husband, and a settled-down lifestyle, I am all for that too.

Life is meant to be lived.  It is meant to be explored, taken in, breathed in.  You can’t do so if you are trying to fit into someone else’s mold or label.  You can’t be exactly like your best friend, mom, sister, coworker, WHOEVER.  You have so much potential in you.   Rather than trying to do things in a specific way by a specific time, how about you free yourself to just live.  Live life to the fullest.  Travel, cook, take lessons, introduce yourself to complete strangers you meet, tell your story, listen to other people’s stories, be free to be you.  It is in living this way that you will truly find yourself feeling freedom.  A fulfilled life doesn’t come in trying so hard to micromanage your life.  It comes in finding pure joy in living life with yourself.  Being content with your life…now that is the end goal I am striving for.

Random Recipe for the Win

SO I know usually I post thoughts and thing, but I had to share this recipe.  Lately I have been sticking to easy meals, but today I decided to actually cook!  So, if you like healthy and very very tasty, have at it.

Black Bean and Spinach Enchiladas

Ingredients 1 (15 ounce) can black beans, drained and rinsed 4 ounces cream cheese 3/4 cup cheddar cheese, shredded 10 ounces frozen chopped spinach cayenne pepper, garlic powder, paprika to taste 6 tortillas 


Directions 1. Preheat your oven to 375.

2. In a large pan or skillet, thaw the frozen spinach over medium high heat.

3. When completely thawed, add black beans and pepper.

4. Add cream cheese to the skillet and work with it to combine the ingredients.

5. Add cheddar, stirring to help it melt and combine. Remove from heat.

6. Divide the mixture into the center of the six tortillas, folding both ends over and rolling to the center.

7. Arrange the enchiladas in the pan, top with more shredded cheddar to garnish.

8. Bake approximately 15-20 minutes, until cheddar garnish is browned slightly.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Change is a natural part of life.  It’s expected.  You can’t stop it.  You can’t fight it.  It happens.  You can hate it all you want.  You can wish things would stay the same but, in the end, it doesn’t do any good.  Your body WILL change.  Your responsibilities will increase.  That spouse of yours will change.  People will grow old.  Friends drift apart.  Your career won’t always be a dream.  But, the great part about change is, we learn to adapt.

If we choose to embrace change, or at least tentatively accept it, we can adjust.  We learn that we can’t eat a whole pizza and order of Cinnasticks from Dominos twice a week and NOT gain weight (trust me, I have tried recently).  You can’t skip the gym for a few weeks and expect those muscles to stay put.  You grow up, and guess what, you have bills to pay and deadlines to meet.  If you don’t pay up or meet the deadlines…well, it will be a rude awakening for you, buddy.  People change.  It won’t always be negative change, but your once fun-loving, stay out all night spouse will eventually want to binge watch The Walking dead in sweat pants.  Your parents will start to get gray and wrinkled (it’s terrifying).  Your best friend forever and ever (BFFAE as we called it back in the day) will get married and involved in her new married friends group.  That dream teaching job you have will sometimes make you want to jump out of your classroom window and run down the street screaming (this was last Monday for me).

So, I learned to order my Dominos cheat meal once a month (or every other week if work is especially stressful).  I set reminders in my phone so I ensure I pay my bills on time.  I make tons of to-do lists for work so I always meet my deadlines.  I accept that people in my life will change and I celebrate the good changes and learn to accept the ones that are difficult.  I choose to be fully present with my family and make every moment count…and yes, I put my cell phone away to do this.  I make intentional efforts to keep up with those friends who have drifted.  And, I keep a running list of all the good I see and experience in my job.  One girl turning her life around is worth more than even when ten girls won’t let me teach them.

Ask anyone in my family, and they will tell you that I used to hate change.  It was the end of the world, in younger-Camille’s opinion.  I never wanted to leave Memphis.  I planned to go to college in Memphis, work in Memphis, and marry a man who wanted to live in Memphis for the rest of his life.  I never changed my haircut.  I always wore the same colors (usually gray or black).  If plans were made, they better stay the same or else I will melt down.  That was me.  And I never wanted to change that version of me, either.  But life happened.

I met a boy who lived in Lakeland, Florida.  Miracle of miracles, he convinced me to move here.  WHAT? We got married.  Stayed married a year and a half, but in the end it didn’t work out (see earlier blog post if you just cant handle your curiosity).  The decision to divorce came in July 2013.  I got fired from the job I had been in since I moved to Florida at the end of July.  And then, the DAY I got fired, I got a call and offer for a job at my current job—Pace Center for Girls.  Let me tell you, you cannot work at and survive in a place like Pace if you don’t embrace change head on.

I learned quickly to go with the flow.  Don’t expect your lesson plans to always go as planned.  Be prepared for unexpected lock downs and assemblies.  Testing will take up all of your time.  You will leave work exhausted.  And I mean exhausted.  My first year here, I remember driving to the lake I run around and falling asleep in my parked car…for an hour.  I never ran that day.  But I changed.  I adapted to my surroundings.  And I learned that change is good.  It is how we grow and become better people.

I used to be very black and white.  If you were not siding with me or making the decision I would make, then you were in the wrong.  But now, after falling so many times and wandering away from God and His will time and time again, I see that there are gray areas.  What is right for some may not be right for all.  And I believe that God would agree with me.  There are big things I think are wrong no matter what, but for the most part, there are a TON of gray areas.  I made some very, very poor decisions a couple of years ago and, rather than forgiving and loving me, seeking to get to the root of it and to show grace, I was shunned, judged, called names, and treated like a pariah.  I lost most all of my friends here.  As a result, sometimes I am hesitant to go to church.  I go, but I also prefer sometimes to have church on my own or online.  But, I started over.  I chose who I wanted to be.  I let people see the real me and they loved me in spite of who I was and the decisions I made.

I also learned the importance of standing up for yourself.  If you continually bend over backwards for others and put everyone else before yourself, you will be miserable.  In work, I have had to learn to say no.  I have had to learn to stand up for myself when I know I am being treated unfairly or when I know what I am fighting for is right.  In relationships, I have learned to end things the moment I know there is no future.  It is better to end it sooner than later, because it becomes harder for you and more hurtful to them.  With family, I have learned that it is ok to have disagreements and to tell them when they are being dumb-heads.  In the end, it is all done in love (I would hope) and family always forgives.  And I have learned to be ok being alone.  I love having time alone.  I like being able to be free to do what I want and go wherever I want.  I have learned the importance of living my life now and of being independent.  I am the only person I will always have to be around and put up with.  So, shouldn’t I make myself into someone I love and respect?  Change is good, y’all.  Embrace it.