I am not perfect. I never have been, nor will I ever be perfect. I have made mistakes--many of them. And I have sinned greatly. The sad thing is, I have spent the last two years of my life trying to atone for these sins by trying to prove to people I am changed. But the thing is, the only person I should have been striving to "get right with" is God. He is the forgiver of my sins. He is the one who I should be trying to please…not people. He knows my heart and who I am. He knows the person I am inside.
It wasn't until these last few months that I truly realized that I know who I am, Whose I am, and the kind of person I am. No one can take that away from me. Yes, I have sins and things that I have done that have caused so much pain to so many people. But, I no longer live my life praying no one finds these things out, hiding these things. If people know who I was and the things I have done, then that is ok. I now see it as a chance to show them how God has redeemed me over these last two years.
People do hurtful things when they are hurt. And unfortunately, some recent happy events in my life, as well as some decisions a friend of mine has made with regards to social media (but, I don't control my friends--do I?) have caused someone else pain. And what do we do when we are hurt? We lash out. Misery loves company, right? I have been there. I have been that person in the past. The thing is, this person somehow knows all about some deep, dark skeletons in my closet…and they have chosen to also fabricate things about me. And they have chosen to share these things with people--especially with those closest to someone who is now a huge part of my life--in hopes that it discredits me and him. In the past, I would have done everything I could to explain away what happened, or even deny it or try to cover it up.
But you know what? Now, I fully acknowledge that some of what is being said is truth. I have sinned. I have made mistakes. I have done horrible things. But…the beautiful thing is, I am redeemed in Christ. I have begged God for forgiveness, I have made intentional efforts to change myself and to learn from my mistakes. And I have. If you ask those closest to me, they will agree that I am not who I once was. I have changed and turned my life around (as cliche as it sounds). I am secure in who I am as a person now. I know I am a good person, who sometimes will make mistakes. People can say whatever they want, believe whatever they want. The only thing that matters to me is that 1) I am God's and I am in right relationship with him; 2) My friends and family know me and know who I am and the person I am deep down inside; and 3) I am proud of who I am now and how far I have come since 2013.
People are not always going to like me, agree with my choices, or want to be my friend and get to know who I am. And that is ok. I am truly happy with my life, the people in it, and the person I am. I have worked so hard to grow as a child of God and to put him at the center of who I am as a person and the choices I have made. So, if you don't agree with me, or want to talk about who I was two and a half years ago, that is ok. You do what you need to do to cope. But, just know, it does not change my happiness, or my security. I am God's, I find my identity in Him, and I know Whose I am.
Showing posts with label redemption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label redemption. Show all posts
Identity in Christ
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Guys, it has been a crazy last few months. There have been a lot of changes, a lot of heartache, a lot of God moving. I hope to someday soon let you in on a lot of it and to show you how faithful God has been in my life. Let me just say, He TRULY can bring beauty from ashes and redeem even the most hopeless of people and situations.
A month ago, I found myself jobless and on the hunt for a new job. I loved my old job and knew I was blessed to even have a job, but I knew God had placed a different calling on my life. I have previous teaching experience from when I lived in Memphis and I knew that was what I wanted to get back to someday. God just decided that day was sooner than I anticipated or planned for. The day I became jobless, I got a call FOUR hours later from a school asking me to come and interview. I was beyond thrilled. I did not know much about the school, but researched it the moment I got home.
Guys, have you ever prayed for something SO specific that you knew it may be a long time before that prayer was answered? THIS was my answered prayer. My senior year in college, God placed the call to teach on my life. Shortly after, I found out about a program known as Memphis Teacher Residency. This program equips future teachers to teach in urban, high-needs schools in Memphis, Tennessee. During the program, you work on a Masters degree in Urban Education and co-teach in a school of MTR's choosing. Because I moved to Florida halfway through the program, I was unable to complete my degree. However, I still knew my heart was for high-needs, at-risk, urban youth. While there are certainly students like this in the public school system here in Polk County, Florida, it just didn't "fit" with what I wanted. I wanted to work with kids who had been told they wouldn't amount to anything, who needed an advocate, and who needed a second chance.
The school at which I interviewed is called PACE Center for Girls. Straight from the website, here is what PACE is: "PACE Center for Girls, Inc. is a not-for-profit organization that 501(c) 3 corporation that provides a non-residential delinquency prevention program in locations statewide, targeting the unique needs of females 12 to 17 who are identified as dependent, truant, runaway, delinquent, or in need of academic skills. PACE (Practical Academic Cultural Education) accepts referrals from the juvenile justice system, the Department of Children and Families, school personnel, community services agencies, parents, family members, friends and self-referrals. Its purpose is to intervene and prevent school withdrawal, juvenile delinquency, teen pregnancy, substance abuse and welfare dependency in a safe and nurturing environment." Answered prayer? Uh, I think yes!
The interview went VERY well and I was hired on the spot. Another HUGE blessing. I was less than 24 hours without a job. Totally a God thing. BUT, just because it was a God thing and I was finally going to be doing what I dreamed of, that does not mean it was going to be easy. These girls come with a whole different set of challenges than I would experience in a regular public school. These girls could come to PACE with history of abuse (physical or sexual), drug problems, assault records, delinquency, etc. And most of the time, unless they tell you or their counselor tells you, you won't know. As teacher, you figure out over time which girls have anger issues, which have problems with adults, and which you will have to fight every step of the way. NO work day is the same. Some days the "trouble" student can be an angel, and some days the "angel" student may be the one causing problems in class. Some days there are no code reds (lock downs resulting from either a student walking out of class, a physical fight, or a major behavior issue usually) and some days there are a LOT. I have been blessed so far to have had only 2 code reds (both from a girl walking out without asking permission to go get water) out of the many we have had.
Throughout the 21 days I have been working officially at PACE, God has had His hand on me. The students, normally anti-new teachers and likely to test their teachers to break them, have given me no problems. They are respectful, they get their work done, and they always greet me with a "hey Ms. Camille!". I attribute ALL of it to the fantastic training I received at Memphis Teacher Residency. We learned the importance of developing a relationship of sorts with our students from the get go. We get to know them and allow them to get to know us in turn. After all, how can we expect students (especially THESE students) to automatically respect us and listen to us if they don't know us? I told them at the very beginning, I want to get to know them and let them get to know me. I will always be real with them and will never lie. Certainly, some questions I can't answer (and OOOOOH man you should hear the personal questions I get asked), but all other appropriate ones, I will always answer. I told them I will always respect them and will never talk down to them or act like I am better than them.
Because of the way I handled the first few days (getting to know them, showing them a PowerPoint of all of my friends, family, pets, interests, etc, and playing games with them), I have ZERO issues with students acting out against me or disrespecting me. One student told me today it is because I am laid back, chill, and am myself with them. I make them do work, yes, but once the work is done, I give them a few minutes to talk and be themselves. I have had so many positive experiences and had so many great conversations with my girls already and the fall semester has only been going since the 19th! I cannot wait to share some of these, give y'all some of the funnier (appropriate) comments I hear, and to tell more of how amazing God is in all of this. He has a plan for my life and a plan to redeem my life and all the mess that has been going on around me. My world has fallen to pieces in so many ways but God is building it back up into His plan for my life and He is faithful in redeeming every last bit.
In the meantime, until my next post, pray for my girls. They need some serious loving. They are so used to being put down, neglected, etc. I bought them all FRESH, new notebooks for note taking and when a girl asked me why I used my own money, I told her that the school couldn't get more than we already had but I wanted them to have them anyway. Her response was "why waste your money on girls like us". It broke my heart. They don't see how much potential they have! They don't see the miracles they are. They are so strong and so resilient and I KNOW they can succeed. So, pray for their hearts and for healing, and pray that God uses me and the PACE staff however He wills.
A month ago, I found myself jobless and on the hunt for a new job. I loved my old job and knew I was blessed to even have a job, but I knew God had placed a different calling on my life. I have previous teaching experience from when I lived in Memphis and I knew that was what I wanted to get back to someday. God just decided that day was sooner than I anticipated or planned for. The day I became jobless, I got a call FOUR hours later from a school asking me to come and interview. I was beyond thrilled. I did not know much about the school, but researched it the moment I got home.
Guys, have you ever prayed for something SO specific that you knew it may be a long time before that prayer was answered? THIS was my answered prayer. My senior year in college, God placed the call to teach on my life. Shortly after, I found out about a program known as Memphis Teacher Residency. This program equips future teachers to teach in urban, high-needs schools in Memphis, Tennessee. During the program, you work on a Masters degree in Urban Education and co-teach in a school of MTR's choosing. Because I moved to Florida halfway through the program, I was unable to complete my degree. However, I still knew my heart was for high-needs, at-risk, urban youth. While there are certainly students like this in the public school system here in Polk County, Florida, it just didn't "fit" with what I wanted. I wanted to work with kids who had been told they wouldn't amount to anything, who needed an advocate, and who needed a second chance.
The school at which I interviewed is called PACE Center for Girls. Straight from the website, here is what PACE is: "PACE Center for Girls, Inc. is a not-for-profit organization that 501(c) 3 corporation that provides a non-residential delinquency prevention program in locations statewide, targeting the unique needs of females 12 to 17 who are identified as dependent, truant, runaway, delinquent, or in need of academic skills. PACE (Practical Academic Cultural Education) accepts referrals from the juvenile justice system, the Department of Children and Families, school personnel, community services agencies, parents, family members, friends and self-referrals. Its purpose is to intervene and prevent school withdrawal, juvenile delinquency, teen pregnancy, substance abuse and welfare dependency in a safe and nurturing environment." Answered prayer? Uh, I think yes!
The interview went VERY well and I was hired on the spot. Another HUGE blessing. I was less than 24 hours without a job. Totally a God thing. BUT, just because it was a God thing and I was finally going to be doing what I dreamed of, that does not mean it was going to be easy. These girls come with a whole different set of challenges than I would experience in a regular public school. These girls could come to PACE with history of abuse (physical or sexual), drug problems, assault records, delinquency, etc. And most of the time, unless they tell you or their counselor tells you, you won't know. As teacher, you figure out over time which girls have anger issues, which have problems with adults, and which you will have to fight every step of the way. NO work day is the same. Some days the "trouble" student can be an angel, and some days the "angel" student may be the one causing problems in class. Some days there are no code reds (lock downs resulting from either a student walking out of class, a physical fight, or a major behavior issue usually) and some days there are a LOT. I have been blessed so far to have had only 2 code reds (both from a girl walking out without asking permission to go get water) out of the many we have had.
Throughout the 21 days I have been working officially at PACE, God has had His hand on me. The students, normally anti-new teachers and likely to test their teachers to break them, have given me no problems. They are respectful, they get their work done, and they always greet me with a "hey Ms. Camille!". I attribute ALL of it to the fantastic training I received at Memphis Teacher Residency. We learned the importance of developing a relationship of sorts with our students from the get go. We get to know them and allow them to get to know us in turn. After all, how can we expect students (especially THESE students) to automatically respect us and listen to us if they don't know us? I told them at the very beginning, I want to get to know them and let them get to know me. I will always be real with them and will never lie. Certainly, some questions I can't answer (and OOOOOH man you should hear the personal questions I get asked), but all other appropriate ones, I will always answer. I told them I will always respect them and will never talk down to them or act like I am better than them.
Because of the way I handled the first few days (getting to know them, showing them a PowerPoint of all of my friends, family, pets, interests, etc, and playing games with them), I have ZERO issues with students acting out against me or disrespecting me. One student told me today it is because I am laid back, chill, and am myself with them. I make them do work, yes, but once the work is done, I give them a few minutes to talk and be themselves. I have had so many positive experiences and had so many great conversations with my girls already and the fall semester has only been going since the 19th! I cannot wait to share some of these, give y'all some of the funnier (appropriate) comments I hear, and to tell more of how amazing God is in all of this. He has a plan for my life and a plan to redeem my life and all the mess that has been going on around me. My world has fallen to pieces in so many ways but God is building it back up into His plan for my life and He is faithful in redeeming every last bit.
In the meantime, until my next post, pray for my girls. They need some serious loving. They are so used to being put down, neglected, etc. I bought them all FRESH, new notebooks for note taking and when a girl asked me why I used my own money, I told her that the school couldn't get more than we already had but I wanted them to have them anyway. Her response was "why waste your money on girls like us". It broke my heart. They don't see how much potential they have! They don't see the miracles they are. They are so strong and so resilient and I KNOW they can succeed. So, pray for their hearts and for healing, and pray that God uses me and the PACE staff however He wills.
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