"Time heals all wounds."  How many times have you heard that phrase?  How many times have you banked on that promise and waited…and waited…but never found relief and recovery?  So often, we sit back and wait on time to do it's thing.  We wait for our broken heart to mend after the guy we thought was "the one" broke up with us.  And again, we wait for healing when he moves on, but we haven't.  We wait for our fears to subside after going through a traumatic experience.  We wait for the resentment to go away when someone wrongs us--no matter how big or small that wrongdoing was.  But what happens when time doesn't do its thing?  What happens when we wait, and wait, and wait…but we are still stuck hurting, resentful, scared, and alone?

The dangerous thing about waiting for time to heal, is that it can quickly turn into a slippery slope of anger…and even hatred.  Time frustrates us.  It embitters us.  It makes us apathetic.  These thing all lead to anger.  Anger is one of the most poisonous, dangerous, life-ruining forces I have ever experienced.  It gets into your bones, your heart, and your soul.  It makes us say things to people we love…things we never thought we would ever say.  It makes us lash out at others in hurt, when in reality, they aren't the one you are upset with or wronged by--its the person who hurt you.  It makes us give ultimatums to people--makes them choose between us or something--or someone--else.  It makes us bitter, selfish, and even petty.  But why is this?  Why does anger turn kind, happy people into hateful, lonely people?

It is easier to be angry than it is to face the mountain head-on and begin recovery.  It is easier to blame others than it is to admit that maybe we were wrong.  Maybe that guy wasn't "the one" and you should be happy that he is happy--after all, if you really do "love" him, then your love should be selfless and include his happiness over your own.  Maybe that traumatic experience you went through has a can have a purpose.  Maybe the horrific injury you went through or the person who violated you can still serve some kind of good purpose in your life.  Becoming angry and waiting to heal isn't going to do anything.

Healing only comes in facing things and admitting we are hurting, admitting we are helpless to save ourselves, and admitting we need help.   I have been through enough trauma, enough pain, and enough hurt to know this firsthand.  When my parents went through a divorce, I could't move past it without help.  When my trust in someone I loved was horribly violated, I had to voice it…I had to talk to someone.  When I went through a period of serious depression and suicidal thoughts, I had to get help.  When a tornado destroyed my university and I saw and heard things I still can't get out of my head--I had to confront it and work through that.  When I went through an eating disorder that consumed my body, my muscles, my bones, my mind, and my emotions, I had to get help before it killed me.  When I went through a divorce and lost everything and most everyone, I had to face the realities of what happened, what I did, and what it cost me.  When I kept making countless poor choices as I spiraled out of control, I had to ultimately own up to it, admit I was in the wrong, and make a complete 180 in my life.  I don't share all of these things to "one up" anything you are going through or to show you how strong of a person I am.  I share all of these things to say, whatever you are going through, someone out there has gone through it too.  They survived.  You will too.

Don't let your anger towards that friend destroy a friendship that once meant something to you.  Don't let your bitterness towards that guy keep you from moving on and finding the guy who actually IS the one for you.  Don't let the person who violated you and your trust years ago keep you from trusting others and having healthy relationships down the road--and PLEASE don't let it become an excuse for unhealthy relationship patterns down the road.  Don't let your past actions and past history dictate a future full of shame and regret.  Let all of these things be mountains you surmounted, obstacles you overcame, and lessons you have learned.

And now…the religious part because, yes, I am a Christian.  And yes, I will openly say God is the ONLY reason I had the strength to move on from these things.  Counseling and medications helped for the traumas, the depression, and the hard times.  But God is the Master Healer.  He is the only reason I am still alive today.  When the paralyzed man at the pool was waiting to get in so he, too, could be healed, Jesus was straight forward.  There is no power in the pool.  The pool was just a bandaid, a "tool", if you will…kind of like how we use alcohol, medications, and drugs to try to self-medicate and heal ourselves.  The man thought the pool would heal him in time.  Notice:  he thought time would heal him.  But, Jesus is the only one with healing power.  The only healing power we will find is in Jesus and his compassion for us and our situations.  Want to know something though?  Jesus heals us for one of two purposes:

1.  He heals us to handle.  He heals us in such a way that we cannot walk through these hard and painful times without Him.  Through His power, He gives us resilience to handle it until it is over.  So many times, this is how I experienced healing in Jesus.  My depression didn't just disappear.  It was discovered through a fateful phone call to a friend at one in the morning.  My dad happened to wake up and had this strong feeling he needed to pick up the phone and listen.  And thus began my recovery process in Christian counseling.

He will heal us to the deepest point of need for us to survive and keep on moving.  He heals us to handle because his grace is enough for us.  He knows what we need more than we do.  It is often the things we want to wave a wand and make disappear that Jesus uses the most in our lives.

2.  He also heals us for His glory so that we may give testimony that He is the only explanation for what has happened.  Think of the friend who had cancer that one day was simply gone.  Jesus healed the man at the pool for His glory.  He told him to pick up his mat and walk.  And He trusted in Jesus to do what he said he would do.

So, how will you begin healing?  Will you keep waiting for time to take away the pain, hurt, anger, and resentment?  Will you keep blaming others for things that are not their fault and for things that no longer are in your control?  Or will you trust in Jesus to take it away all at once, or at least heal you enough to handle and learn what He is trying to reveal to you?

Friendship

Friendship.  When you think about it, it is a pretty simple thing at its core.  It comes with a list of certain "criteria":  honesty, trust, respect, fun, laughter, time spent investing in one another.  But, have you ever thought about how our criteria really and truly change over time?

When we were little kids on the playground, everyone was our friend.  We didn't have a concept of who was weird, or "not cool".  We accepted any and every person and would welcome any newcomers.  We had sleepovers and birthday parties and every one was invited.  Not a single kid was excluded.  But then, we got older.  In middle and high school, we were aware of who was "cool" and who was "weird".  We become more picky in our choices of friends.  We choose those who are similar to us in personality.  We are less welcoming and less accepting of those who are outside of what we deem "normal".  We claim "dibs" on our friends and don't want to share because, to us, everyone in our group is our "best friend" and no one else can claim them.

But then, this beautiful thing happens once we reach adulthood.  We stop seeing what is "cool" and what is "normal".  We begin to FINALLY mature past pettiness and selfishness.  We accept that it is ok to have friends who have friends we don't know, or even like.  We understand that friendship is not about what we have to offer one another in terms of popularity and acceptance--or even in having a good time.  We see that friendships, true friendships, edify us.  Real friends challenge us, they call us out on our stupidity and selfishness.  They make us want to grow and be better people.  They want to talk about real things and be vulnerable.  And we want to offer the same things to them.  Friendship is no longer seen as a transaction or as something where we ask ourselves, "what can I gain from being this person's friend?".

As an adult who has finally reached this point, it makes me desire intentionality in my friendships.  Yes, I have those people who I can hang out with and have a good time, and even carry on a conversation with.  And I value those people.  But, I also find myself desiring to find people who I can be intentional with in developing a mature, adult, relationship with.  I want people who I can be vulnerable with, share my heart with, and still have a good time with them too.  And I am completely ok with the fact that they have other friends too.  Being adult means you no longer have "besties" or call everyone you know your best friend.  It means you have real, adult friendships that add value and meaning to your life.  And you accept these people for who they are--flaws and all.  Having real relationships means you can go to each other and have those hard conversations and confrontations--because you don't fear that, in doing so, you may lose a friend.

And let me tell you, finally reaching this point was the most freeing thing in the world.  Over the last couple of years, one of my friendships has evolved into this kind of adult relationship.  Before, if one of us was hurt or offended, or even jealous of the others' friendships, we would stay quiet and stew on it.  And it would slowly eat away at us until we exploded.  But, we finally learned that, if you have a grievance or a hurt, it is OK to talk to each other.  Now, when one of us is upset, we immediately say "hey, did you mean that comment this way" or "I feel like we don't spend a lot of time together, and you seem to spend a lot of time with her.  Is it cool if we hang out one weekend?  And hey, bring her too!".  The most amazing thing happened when we started doing this...we grew to be closer as friends and we learned from each other.  Isn't that a beautiful thing!?

So, how do I define friendship, in light of all I just said?  To me, true, deep, meaningful friendship means:

1.  Accepting the other person, faults and all
2.  Understanding, its ok to share each other with other people/friends
3.  Telling the truth, even when it is hard
4.  Challenging each other to be better people
5.  Making time for each other when life if busy, even if its just sending a "thinking of you" text
6.  Enjoying hanging out and having a good time
7.  Enjoying sitting around doing nothing but talking
8.  Being able to trust each other and respect each other
9.  Allowing yourself to confront them when you are upset and knowing they will not penalize or punish you for it
10.  Being real.

I challenge you, reader, to find people who you can look at and say, "they fit the bill".  Surround yourself with people, with community, who you know will make are a better person for knowing them.  But hey, its also ok to have friends, not so close friends, who you just want to go out with and have a good time.  Those types of friendships are important too.  Let me tell you, coming to this understanding of what friendship is all about, is the most freeing thing you will ever experience.


Source: http://elitedaily.com/life/ways-define-true-friendship-mid-20s/1701234/

Marriage and Re-marriage

As we grow older and move forward in life, there will be things, memories, and histories accumulated that we may not necessarily be proud of or want to share.  It’s a normal part of life to have regrets and to make mistakes.  The biggest, and most important, thing is how we choose to react and move forward from those moments. 

In my life, there have been plenty.  I made countless poor choices as a teenager—choices that endangered my life, hurt my family, and hurt others I cared about.  In my college career, I allowed myself to fall into the suffocating grasp of anorexia and exercise bulimia.  What ensued was a two-year battle to reclaim my body and my mind.  Even as an adult, I have made my mistakes.  But, the important thing is, I have learned from all of my mistakes.  I know now how deeply my poor choices can affect those around me.  I have learned how quickly eating healthy, exercising, and monitoring my weight can turn to obsession with loosing more and more pounds on the scale.  And, after a failed marriage, I learned what I do and do not want in a marriage; but, more importantly, I learned what a marriage really is.

If you have read my earlier posts, by now you know I have been married before.  I got married relatively young (at the age of 23—engaged at 22) and did not truly understand marriage.  All I knew was, he made me happy, he said he loved me, and that was all I needed.  It didn’t matter that every single person in my life cautioned me against it—they said it was too soon, he wasn’t right, we didn’t know each other well enough (and they were right).  But, I was too stubborn to admit it or take a step back.  I am not speaking ill of my ex-husband.  But, what I am saying is we were clearly very wrong for each other and too young and immature to realize it.  Things obviously did not work out, but, God always has a plan for our lives and He will ALWAYS redeem the deep valleys in our lives.

For a while there, I wasn’t sure I would ever find someone I would be 100% certain and comfortable enough with to get re-married.  Sure, they may have been people I cared about or loved, but never someone I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I would never have any hesitations about.  Being that I have been married before, I knew what I wanted to bring to the table if I ever re-married, and I knew what I needed him to bring as well.

1.  I knew it would be all about the marriage itself, not the big elaborate ceremony.

I will admit, my first wedding was way too big.  It was grand, it was elaborate, it was fancy.  And it so wasn’t me.  At the end of it all, I was too stressed out about tiny, insignificant details to truly be present during the vows and to remember any of it.  The wedding ceremony had zero emotional weight to it because of the “show” of it all.  None of the focus was on the fact that I was about to commit to spend the rest of my life with someone.

I knew that the next time, all it would be about was me and him, standing before God and committing to a covenant relationship between us before God.  Nothing else would matter to me.  You aren’t committing to this big elaborate show.  You are committing to a lifetime of work and loving this person.

2.  I know what marriage truly is about and what it takes.

Marriage is not about finding someone you are attracted to, who also happens to have a great personality, who you like hanging out with.  All of that (minus the attraction thing) are what you look for in a friend.  Marriage is hard work.  Marriage is a commitment.  It is a choice.  Yes, it is a lot of fun.  You get to spend every day with your best friend.  But, it isn’t all fun. 

Once you get married, you are no longer this individual entity.  Your identity becomes you as a couple.  You make choices together.  But you also have to make sure you don’t get lost in his identity.  You have to learn to grow as a couple,  yes, but also grow in your own right.  You become stronger in Christ, and more unified.  But you also challenge each other, push each other to grow and to be more.  You push each other to succeed.

You compromise (a lot).   There will be arguments.  You will have to suck up your pride and apologize.    You must adapt and evolve and be open with that person to ensure your marriage will weather the storms.  When you fight, it cant be about you and your hurts and your anger.  You have to realize the power your impulsive words have over your life partner.  Words yelled in a moment of heightened emotion can carry over into the future moments of your marriage.

You have to choose to love that person every single day, even when the mushy-gushy newlywed feelings fade or aren’t there at all.  You have to keep the romance alive, keep dating them, keep doing little things to show them that you love them and think of them.  Marriage is work—but the results you reap are more than worth the effort.

3.  I knew what he had to value above everything else, including me.

No matter how much I may like a guy and feel like he is perfect, I knew he had to be a certain kind of man.  I knew he had to have a heart for the Lord and that he needed to be a man who encouraged me in my own walk with the Lord.  He needed to value not only his own relationship with the Lord, but also mine.  He needed to be just as concerned with my spiritual walk as he is with his.  He had to be willing to, and want to be, a spiritual leader for us as a married couple.  He needed to be the “iron that sharpens iron” in Proverbs.  Yes, I want us both to grow in our individual walks, but I want him to see the value in studying, praying, and growing together too. 

4.  I knew what kind of man he needed to be.

It takes a special kind of man to put up with my crazy self.  I am impulsive, stubborn, naïve, forgetful, OCD, emotionally driven…need I go on?  Granted, I have a lot of good qualities, if I say so myself.  But, in every relationship, you will eventually unearth the not-so-fun qualities in a person.  I knew the man I married would need to be patient, slow to frustration, levelheaded, analytical, easy going, and willing to call me out when I am being a dumb-head.  The biggest thing out of all of those, is someone who is not afraid to tell me when I am being ignorant, stupid, or naïve.  Sometimes, I make choices or do things that I don’t realize at the time are not healthy for me.  And sometimes, when family calls me on it, I am not receptive to hearing it.   I knew I needed someone who would not be afraid to say “you are being an idiot” and to lay it all out for me—in a patient and loving but stern manner, of course.

I truly could go on and on about this.  But I truly feel everything else would fall under these categories.

Why are you posting this?  Many of you are probably thinking.  As most of you may know, I recently remarried.  Well, just know, the strong, intelligent, kind, forgiving, patient, godly man I married met all of these criteria and beyond.  Heck, I could do whole blog post about the man he is (and maybe I will).  But, for those of you who are dating, seriously committed in a relationship, or engaged…I  challenge you to learn from my experience and to never ever settle.  It may seem like there will never be anyone you feel 100% about or who will meet every single thing on your list (yes, you know you have a list).  But TRUST ME!  He is out there.  Sometimes, God’s timing and plan takes some time.  But the end result is ALWAYS worth the wait.  And I praise God for His perfect timing in bringing me the man he set aside for me.

Identity in Christ

I am not perfect.  I never have been, nor will I ever be perfect.  I have made mistakes--many of them.  And I have sinned greatly.  The sad thing is, I have spent the last two years of my life trying to atone for these sins by trying to prove to people I am changed.  But the thing is, the only person I should have been striving to "get right with" is God.  He is the forgiver of my sins.  He is the one who I should be trying to please…not people.  He knows my heart and who I am.  He knows the person I am inside.

It wasn't until these last few months that I truly realized that I know who I am, Whose I am, and the kind of person I am.  No one can take that away from me.  Yes, I have sins and things that I have done that have caused so much pain to so many people.  But, I no longer live my life praying no one finds these things out, hiding these things.  If people know who I was and the things I have done, then that is ok.  I now see it as a chance to show them how God has redeemed me over these last two years.

People do hurtful things when they are hurt.  And unfortunately, some recent happy events in my life, as well as some decisions a friend of mine has made with regards to social media (but, I don't control my friends--do I?)  have caused someone else pain.  And what do we do when we are hurt?  We lash out.  Misery loves company, right?  I have been there.  I have been that person in the past.  The thing is, this person somehow knows all about some deep, dark skeletons in my closet…and they have chosen to also fabricate things about me.  And they have chosen to share these things with people--especially with those closest to someone who is now a huge part of my life--in hopes that it discredits me and him.  In the past, I would have done everything I could to explain away what happened, or even deny it or try to cover it up.

But you know what?  Now, I fully acknowledge that some of what is being said is truth.  I have sinned. I have made mistakes.  I have done horrible things.  But…the beautiful thing is, I am redeemed in Christ.  I have begged God for forgiveness, I have made intentional efforts to change myself and to learn from my mistakes.  And I have.  If you ask those closest to me, they will agree that I am not who I once was.  I have changed and turned my life around (as cliche as it sounds).  I am secure in who I am as a person now.  I know I am a good person, who sometimes will make mistakes.  People can say whatever they want, believe whatever they want.  The only thing that matters to me is that 1)  I am God's and I am in right relationship with him; 2) My friends and family know me and know who I am and the person I am deep down inside; and 3) I am proud of who I am now and how far I have come since 2013.

People are not always going to like me, agree with my choices, or want to be my friend and get to know who I am.  And that is ok.  I am truly happy with my life, the people in it, and the person I am.  I have worked so hard to grow as a child of God and to put him at the center of who I am as a person and the choices I have made.  So, if you don't agree with me, or want to talk about who I was two and a half years ago, that is ok.  You do what you need to do to cope.  But, just know, it does not change my happiness, or my security.  I am God's, I find my identity in Him, and I know Whose I am.

Time.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about time.  How quickly it goes by, but also how slowly it goes by.  How cruel it can be, but also how enriching and wonderful it can be too.  Time, I think it is safe to say, is a multi-dimensional paradox of a thing.  When you are young, you want time to speed up, to get you to where you want and what you want.  When you are older, you often find yourself wishing it could rewind itself.  And, even in those middle years, you’re wishing for time to sloooooooow down.  So, I have to ask…is there ever a point in our lives where we find ourselves perfectly content with time and how it flows?

I hear my students say on a regular basis they wish they were X age.  They want to grow up so quickly, it stuns me.  It doesn’t matter how many times I tell them to enjoy their teenage years.  To take advantage of every single moment and every bit of security they may have.  I get a few eye rolls, a few “can you shut up now” looks.  But, I mean seriously.  I wish I could still be a kid.  Not have to pay bills.  Not have to clean my apartment.  No going to work every single day.  LAWD I would love that.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being an adult, but things are much simpler when you are a kid.

When I was little, I remember wanting to grow up quickly.  I wanted to date boys.  I wanted to drive.  I wanted to graduate high school.  I wanted to finish college.  I wanted to get married.  I wanted the perfect job.  I can’t remember a time where I was perfectly content with where I was at any given moment.  There was always a “next thing” I was looking forward to.  Even now, at twenty-seven, there’s things I wish would hurry the heck up; and, there’s also things I wish I could go back and experience again.  There may even be things I wish I could do differently.  But, even though I find myself thinking that way, I do know I feel much more content with the place I find myself now. 

I have learned there is no point to wishing time would speed up.  Some days will go by quickly, and some will crawl by at a snail’s pace.  I cannot do anything to change this.  Instead, I have to learn how to live in the moment and love where I am.  I have learned to love the hard parts of my life.  When I have to scrub my bathroom and am gagging while I clean the toilet bowl, I remind myself how blessed I am to even have an apartment I have to clean.  When I walk my sweet puppy and she is pulling me so hard I feel my arm will pop out of socket, I tell myself how much I love coming home to her and her goofy little face.  When I drag myself out of bed during the weekdays, I think back over how many incredible young ladies I have had the privilege to teach over these last two years.  You get the point. 

Sometimes, when we get frustrated with time, we simply need to reframe our thinking and remind ourselves all of the good things that come with patience and perseverance.  Rather than trying to rush things and rush time, sometimes it is best to truly soak it all in and think over all of the wonderful things happening in this place and in this time.

Don’t Label Me.

Don’t Label Me.

I think I can speak for most people in their late twenties and early thirties when I say there is a certain set of questions we get asked on a regular basis.  And by regular basis, I mean almost every freaking week.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s nice when people take an interest in me and my life.  But, it’s a whole other ballgame when I feel like you are trying to put me in the box of “you should be here in your life by now”.  Seriously.   What are these questions?  I am so glad you asked…

1.     Are you seeing anyone?  You can’t tell me, if you’re single, you haven’t been asked this in the last few days.  In fact, I was asked this just yesterday by a STUDENT.  And if I say yes to whoever asks this, almost every time I get this look of “aw you poor thing” or “you must be so lonely”.  It is perfectly ok to be perfectly happy being single.  In fact, I experience the most growth during times of singleness.

2.     When do you plan on getting married?  Is it not ok to have a plan to not plan for this?  I am a big fan of taking life one step at a time.  I don’t feel a need to get married and start that page of my life yet.  There’s so much in the world I want to see and experience…So, I actively plan on not having a plan for this one.

3.     Do you not want kids?  Because not actively working towards marriage MUST mean I don’t want kids.  Right?  Wrong.  It just means I am not married yet.  Because to me, kids come after marriage.  End of story.  I don’t judge those who opted out of this pattern of thinking.  It’s just not for me. 

4.     Where do you see yourself in five years?  I will never forget the moment my mom asked me this as I drove her to the airport a couple of months ago.  While this isn’t a completely out of line question, it was the way she followed it up that threw me.  She told me I needed to think long term about where I want to end up.  If I want to be in Memphis, maybe I should date boys from Memphis and look for job in Memphis.  Honestly, the place I see myself in five years is wherever God calls me and puts me.  That’s it.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not “blasting” those who ask these kinds of questions.  I am simply saying, I don’t like this line of thought.  I am my own, unique, one-of-a-kind person.  I don’t follow any specific timelines or patterns.  I am not made to fit into a mold.  God created me as my own, unique being to go and do as He calls me.  This may mean I am a crazy dog lady when I am fifty.  Bring it on.  But, if He chooses to bless me with kids, a husband, and a settled-down lifestyle, I am all for that too.

Life is meant to be lived.  It is meant to be explored, taken in, breathed in.  You can’t do so if you are trying to fit into someone else’s mold or label.  You can’t be exactly like your best friend, mom, sister, coworker, WHOEVER.  You have so much potential in you.   Rather than trying to do things in a specific way by a specific time, how about you free yourself to just live.  Live life to the fullest.  Travel, cook, take lessons, introduce yourself to complete strangers you meet, tell your story, listen to other people’s stories, be free to be you.  It is in living this way that you will truly find yourself feeling freedom.  A fulfilled life doesn’t come in trying so hard to micromanage your life.  It comes in finding pure joy in living life with yourself.  Being content with your life…now that is the end goal I am striving for.

Random Recipe for the Win

SO I know usually I post thoughts and thing, but I had to share this recipe.  Lately I have been sticking to easy meals, but today I decided to actually cook!  So, if you like healthy and very very tasty, have at it.

Black Bean and Spinach Enchiladas

Ingredients 1 (15 ounce) can black beans, drained and rinsed 4 ounces cream cheese 3/4 cup cheddar cheese, shredded 10 ounces frozen chopped spinach cayenne pepper, garlic powder, paprika to taste 6 tortillas 


Directions 1. Preheat your oven to 375.

2. In a large pan or skillet, thaw the frozen spinach over medium high heat.

3. When completely thawed, add black beans and pepper.

4. Add cream cheese to the skillet and work with it to combine the ingredients.

5. Add cheddar, stirring to help it melt and combine. Remove from heat.

6. Divide the mixture into the center of the six tortillas, folding both ends over and rolling to the center.

7. Arrange the enchiladas in the pan, top with more shredded cheddar to garnish.

8. Bake approximately 15-20 minutes, until cheddar garnish is browned slightly.