Lately I have been thinking a lot about time.  How quickly it goes by, but also how slowly it goes by.  How cruel it can be, but also how enriching and wonderful it can be too.  Time, I think it is safe to say, is a multi-dimensional paradox of a thing.  When you are young, you want time to speed up, to get you to where you want and what you want.  When you are older, you often find yourself wishing it could rewind itself.  And, even in those middle years, you’re wishing for time to sloooooooow down.  So, I have to ask…is there ever a point in our lives where we find ourselves perfectly content with time and how it flows?

I hear my students say on a regular basis they wish they were X age.  They want to grow up so quickly, it stuns me.  It doesn’t matter how many times I tell them to enjoy their teenage years.  To take advantage of every single moment and every bit of security they may have.  I get a few eye rolls, a few “can you shut up now” looks.  But, I mean seriously.  I wish I could still be a kid.  Not have to pay bills.  Not have to clean my apartment.  No going to work every single day.  LAWD I would love that.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being an adult, but things are much simpler when you are a kid.

When I was little, I remember wanting to grow up quickly.  I wanted to date boys.  I wanted to drive.  I wanted to graduate high school.  I wanted to finish college.  I wanted to get married.  I wanted the perfect job.  I can’t remember a time where I was perfectly content with where I was at any given moment.  There was always a “next thing” I was looking forward to.  Even now, at twenty-seven, there’s things I wish would hurry the heck up; and, there’s also things I wish I could go back and experience again.  There may even be things I wish I could do differently.  But, even though I find myself thinking that way, I do know I feel much more content with the place I find myself now. 

I have learned there is no point to wishing time would speed up.  Some days will go by quickly, and some will crawl by at a snail’s pace.  I cannot do anything to change this.  Instead, I have to learn how to live in the moment and love where I am.  I have learned to love the hard parts of my life.  When I have to scrub my bathroom and am gagging while I clean the toilet bowl, I remind myself how blessed I am to even have an apartment I have to clean.  When I walk my sweet puppy and she is pulling me so hard I feel my arm will pop out of socket, I tell myself how much I love coming home to her and her goofy little face.  When I drag myself out of bed during the weekdays, I think back over how many incredible young ladies I have had the privilege to teach over these last two years.  You get the point. 

Sometimes, when we get frustrated with time, we simply need to reframe our thinking and remind ourselves all of the good things that come with patience and perseverance.  Rather than trying to rush things and rush time, sometimes it is best to truly soak it all in and think over all of the wonderful things happening in this place and in this time.

Don’t Label Me.

Don’t Label Me.

I think I can speak for most people in their late twenties and early thirties when I say there is a certain set of questions we get asked on a regular basis.  And by regular basis, I mean almost every freaking week.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s nice when people take an interest in me and my life.  But, it’s a whole other ballgame when I feel like you are trying to put me in the box of “you should be here in your life by now”.  Seriously.   What are these questions?  I am so glad you asked…

1.     Are you seeing anyone?  You can’t tell me, if you’re single, you haven’t been asked this in the last few days.  In fact, I was asked this just yesterday by a STUDENT.  And if I say yes to whoever asks this, almost every time I get this look of “aw you poor thing” or “you must be so lonely”.  It is perfectly ok to be perfectly happy being single.  In fact, I experience the most growth during times of singleness.

2.     When do you plan on getting married?  Is it not ok to have a plan to not plan for this?  I am a big fan of taking life one step at a time.  I don’t feel a need to get married and start that page of my life yet.  There’s so much in the world I want to see and experience…So, I actively plan on not having a plan for this one.

3.     Do you not want kids?  Because not actively working towards marriage MUST mean I don’t want kids.  Right?  Wrong.  It just means I am not married yet.  Because to me, kids come after marriage.  End of story.  I don’t judge those who opted out of this pattern of thinking.  It’s just not for me. 

4.     Where do you see yourself in five years?  I will never forget the moment my mom asked me this as I drove her to the airport a couple of months ago.  While this isn’t a completely out of line question, it was the way she followed it up that threw me.  She told me I needed to think long term about where I want to end up.  If I want to be in Memphis, maybe I should date boys from Memphis and look for job in Memphis.  Honestly, the place I see myself in five years is wherever God calls me and puts me.  That’s it.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not “blasting” those who ask these kinds of questions.  I am simply saying, I don’t like this line of thought.  I am my own, unique, one-of-a-kind person.  I don’t follow any specific timelines or patterns.  I am not made to fit into a mold.  God created me as my own, unique being to go and do as He calls me.  This may mean I am a crazy dog lady when I am fifty.  Bring it on.  But, if He chooses to bless me with kids, a husband, and a settled-down lifestyle, I am all for that too.

Life is meant to be lived.  It is meant to be explored, taken in, breathed in.  You can’t do so if you are trying to fit into someone else’s mold or label.  You can’t be exactly like your best friend, mom, sister, coworker, WHOEVER.  You have so much potential in you.   Rather than trying to do things in a specific way by a specific time, how about you free yourself to just live.  Live life to the fullest.  Travel, cook, take lessons, introduce yourself to complete strangers you meet, tell your story, listen to other people’s stories, be free to be you.  It is in living this way that you will truly find yourself feeling freedom.  A fulfilled life doesn’t come in trying so hard to micromanage your life.  It comes in finding pure joy in living life with yourself.  Being content with your life…now that is the end goal I am striving for.

Random Recipe for the Win

SO I know usually I post thoughts and thing, but I had to share this recipe.  Lately I have been sticking to easy meals, but today I decided to actually cook!  So, if you like healthy and very very tasty, have at it.

Black Bean and Spinach Enchiladas

Ingredients 1 (15 ounce) can black beans, drained and rinsed 4 ounces cream cheese 3/4 cup cheddar cheese, shredded 10 ounces frozen chopped spinach cayenne pepper, garlic powder, paprika to taste 6 tortillas 


Directions 1. Preheat your oven to 375.

2. In a large pan or skillet, thaw the frozen spinach over medium high heat.

3. When completely thawed, add black beans and pepper.

4. Add cream cheese to the skillet and work with it to combine the ingredients.

5. Add cheddar, stirring to help it melt and combine. Remove from heat.

6. Divide the mixture into the center of the six tortillas, folding both ends over and rolling to the center.

7. Arrange the enchiladas in the pan, top with more shredded cheddar to garnish.

8. Bake approximately 15-20 minutes, until cheddar garnish is browned slightly.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Change is a natural part of life.  It’s expected.  You can’t stop it.  You can’t fight it.  It happens.  You can hate it all you want.  You can wish things would stay the same but, in the end, it doesn’t do any good.  Your body WILL change.  Your responsibilities will increase.  That spouse of yours will change.  People will grow old.  Friends drift apart.  Your career won’t always be a dream.  But, the great part about change is, we learn to adapt.

If we choose to embrace change, or at least tentatively accept it, we can adjust.  We learn that we can’t eat a whole pizza and order of Cinnasticks from Dominos twice a week and NOT gain weight (trust me, I have tried recently).  You can’t skip the gym for a few weeks and expect those muscles to stay put.  You grow up, and guess what, you have bills to pay and deadlines to meet.  If you don’t pay up or meet the deadlines…well, it will be a rude awakening for you, buddy.  People change.  It won’t always be negative change, but your once fun-loving, stay out all night spouse will eventually want to binge watch The Walking dead in sweat pants.  Your parents will start to get gray and wrinkled (it’s terrifying).  Your best friend forever and ever (BFFAE as we called it back in the day) will get married and involved in her new married friends group.  That dream teaching job you have will sometimes make you want to jump out of your classroom window and run down the street screaming (this was last Monday for me).

So, I learned to order my Dominos cheat meal once a month (or every other week if work is especially stressful).  I set reminders in my phone so I ensure I pay my bills on time.  I make tons of to-do lists for work so I always meet my deadlines.  I accept that people in my life will change and I celebrate the good changes and learn to accept the ones that are difficult.  I choose to be fully present with my family and make every moment count…and yes, I put my cell phone away to do this.  I make intentional efforts to keep up with those friends who have drifted.  And, I keep a running list of all the good I see and experience in my job.  One girl turning her life around is worth more than even when ten girls won’t let me teach them.

Ask anyone in my family, and they will tell you that I used to hate change.  It was the end of the world, in younger-Camille’s opinion.  I never wanted to leave Memphis.  I planned to go to college in Memphis, work in Memphis, and marry a man who wanted to live in Memphis for the rest of his life.  I never changed my haircut.  I always wore the same colors (usually gray or black).  If plans were made, they better stay the same or else I will melt down.  That was me.  And I never wanted to change that version of me, either.  But life happened.

I met a boy who lived in Lakeland, Florida.  Miracle of miracles, he convinced me to move here.  WHAT? We got married.  Stayed married a year and a half, but in the end it didn’t work out (see earlier blog post if you just cant handle your curiosity).  The decision to divorce came in July 2013.  I got fired from the job I had been in since I moved to Florida at the end of July.  And then, the DAY I got fired, I got a call and offer for a job at my current job—Pace Center for Girls.  Let me tell you, you cannot work at and survive in a place like Pace if you don’t embrace change head on.

I learned quickly to go with the flow.  Don’t expect your lesson plans to always go as planned.  Be prepared for unexpected lock downs and assemblies.  Testing will take up all of your time.  You will leave work exhausted.  And I mean exhausted.  My first year here, I remember driving to the lake I run around and falling asleep in my parked car…for an hour.  I never ran that day.  But I changed.  I adapted to my surroundings.  And I learned that change is good.  It is how we grow and become better people.

I used to be very black and white.  If you were not siding with me or making the decision I would make, then you were in the wrong.  But now, after falling so many times and wandering away from God and His will time and time again, I see that there are gray areas.  What is right for some may not be right for all.  And I believe that God would agree with me.  There are big things I think are wrong no matter what, but for the most part, there are a TON of gray areas.  I made some very, very poor decisions a couple of years ago and, rather than forgiving and loving me, seeking to get to the root of it and to show grace, I was shunned, judged, called names, and treated like a pariah.  I lost most all of my friends here.  As a result, sometimes I am hesitant to go to church.  I go, but I also prefer sometimes to have church on my own or online.  But, I started over.  I chose who I wanted to be.  I let people see the real me and they loved me in spite of who I was and the decisions I made.

I also learned the importance of standing up for yourself.  If you continually bend over backwards for others and put everyone else before yourself, you will be miserable.  In work, I have had to learn to say no.  I have had to learn to stand up for myself when I know I am being treated unfairly or when I know what I am fighting for is right.  In relationships, I have learned to end things the moment I know there is no future.  It is better to end it sooner than later, because it becomes harder for you and more hurtful to them.  With family, I have learned that it is ok to have disagreements and to tell them when they are being dumb-heads.  In the end, it is all done in love (I would hope) and family always forgives.  And I have learned to be ok being alone.  I love having time alone.  I like being able to be free to do what I want and go wherever I want.  I have learned the importance of living my life now and of being independent.  I am the only person I will always have to be around and put up with.  So, shouldn’t I make myself into someone I love and respect?  Change is good, y’all.  Embrace it.

31 Day Blog Challenge

I had no clue about this 31 day writing challenge until I happened to see one of my friends mentioning it on her Facebook.  Normally, I start these sort of things (blogs) with great intentions of writing every day, or at least every other day.  But, life gets in the way (or should I say binge-watching TV shows), and I forget.  But, the idea of a challenge, of focusing on one singular topic for thirty-one days, somehow sounded more do-able.  So, I am going to try.   The beauty of this thing is you get to write about one singular thing for the entire time.

At first, I couldn’t think of a single thing I could write THAT MUCH about, but then it hit me.  Two things take up 90% of my thoughts and time:  teaching and gym time.  So, combining the two, I am going to write about the strength it takes to be a teacher—physically, mentally, and emotionally.  It won’t all be serious and focused.  I definitely will share some of my funnier teaching moments and stories as they occur.  But, I think that teaching is one of the most unique professions out there, and it is the one I am most passionate about, even when I hate it.

My school is definitely a unique one.  Rather than having 160 students, I have 45 at the most.  Instead of class sizes of 20 to 25, the maximum is 14.  Instead of dealing with boy and girl relationship drama, I have only girls for students.  And, the kicker, it is a Department of Juvenile Justice school.  What this means is, the girls are at my school for specific reasons.  The “risk factors” are:  emotional trauma, behavioral issues, truancy problems, expulsion from school, etc.  Also, the majority of our girls are one or more grade levels behind.  So, it is quite an undertaking to work there.  I tell everyone, you cannot work there and truly love it unless you have been called to work at such a place. 

So, I feel that sharing my time there, the girls’ stories, and the lessons I learn as I continue down this career path…that will make an excellent blog that I can maintain for thirty-one days.  So, feel free to ask questions, share your thoughts, OR even get information to volunteer with us or help out!

Fork in the Road

Following God is not an easy thing to do.  It requires sacrifice, discomfort, and even pain.  Sometimes the path He calls us down seems so crazy, so radical, that most would call us insane for even considering taking that way.  But, then again, He promises us in His word that his way is not going to be easy.  It will be difficult.  It will sometimes even cause us to be persecuted.  But the beautiful thing is, He will always equip us to handle whatever may come.

The last several months, I have been feeling a real pull, a calling, to move back to Memphis.  My marriage failed, but I stayed because I wanted to prove to myself and others that I could stand on my own two feet.  I also had started working at PACE, and was loving it.  I did not feel ready to move back and I felt I could have my own life here.  And I did.  I settled in, got adjusted to the job, excelled in my work and my masters degree, and I even started seeing someone.  I thought my life was where it needed to be.

But, eventually God calls us to come out from the world and be separate.  We need to return to Him and to who we are in Him…not in our own definitions and limitations.  He calls us to be like Him and to be sold out for Him.  It is not enough to just go to church occasionally, pray when there is need, and to be a "good" person.  We are to be sold out for Him and for His purpose for our lives.  He is the one who made us, created us exactly as we are with all of our strengths and even weaknesses.  Don't we owe it to Him to devote ourselves to Him when we are His to begin with?

But He gives us free will.  We can choose to live for Him, or we can chose to live for ourselves or for the world.  Lately, I have been living for myself and for the world.  I have been selfish and blind.  I traded in time spent with God for time sleeping in, watching TV, or just sitting around doing nothing.  I traded in a Bible for trashy magazines and books that aren't edifying.  I have been planning my life based on my wants for my future instead of based on what God may have for me instead.

And now I see how badly I want what God has for me.  I had the honor of watching my sister get married a few weeks ago and I do not lie when I tell you that it was the most beautiful wedding I have ever attended.  My sister and her now-husband are so sold out for God individually, and to see them come together as a couple and then again as husband and wife, living together built around their faith in Him…words cannot even describe the beauty of it.  The spur each other on, sharpen each other for God.  Their entire wedding was centered around this, and on their excitement to live as a married couple ready to fulfill the purposes God has for them together to impact those around them.  The wedding was not all about them but rather about what God has planned and what He will use them for in that plan.

Witnessing this just solidified in my mind that I need to come out and be separate.  I need to start living my life for God NOW and I need to go wherever He calls.  No matter the cost.  No matter the discomfort.  No matter the pain.  And, oh is there pain.  Lately, I feel God pulling me to Memphis.  I need a fresh start.  I need to heal from my divorce still.  I need to rediscover myself as a person, but also as a child of God.  I did not allow myself time to do this after C and I split.  And it is catching up to me.  Not only that, but I also originally had a heart for Memphis and for impacting the educational system there.  Can I do that from Florida?  No, not really.

And now I find myself at a fork in the road.  A job offer on the table, two interviews done and awaiting an answer.  The time frame?  I will possibly move to Memphis in the next few days, the next week, or maybe even the next two weeks.  Quit my job.  Pack up my belongings.  Leave behind my dog and the guy I have been seeing.  Leave behind my friends.  Leave behind the coworkers/work family I love so much.  So little time left.  And I am absolutely terrified.  I ask myself if I am pushing my plans to make them become God's.  Does he really want me to go so quickly?  Am I meant to find myself in Him here in Florida?  Or do I really need to go to Memphis?

A friend recently told me:  "I find that the times we hurt the most show where our faith lies.  It can be in the comfort of a guy, popularity, athletics, friends, etc. to ease out emotional pain.  Or we can turn to God through the pain and say 'yeah this is gonna hurt and suck a lot but I know what you are planning out is what is best for me…Every change has anxiousness and fear of the unknown, but that is what draws us closer.'"

So now, I have to make my decision.  I have to solve this "fork in the road" situation. I know God will redeem me no matter what choice I make.  I know that He will use whatever happens.  But, I want most of all to be in His will and honoring Him in my choices.  So, I covet your prayers, friends.  Be praying for clarity and for me to make the decision that most honors Him.

Forgiveness

Life has a way of kicking us in the pants sometimes.  Sometimes, we see it coming...and sometimes, we don't.  We could just be going about our lives and then BAM! we find ourselves lying on our backs, stunned, wondering how in the world we found ourselves in this place.  We never set out to hurt ourselves or to hurt others.   At least, I hope no one does.  I think, in the Christian life, Satan has a way of slipping into our lives and weaving himself and his lies into the fabric of truth we hold onto.  He takes the truth and distorts it.  He is so sly, so manipulative, so evil, that we rarely see him coming.  We get so intertwined in his lies that we often don't realize the mess we are in until we are neck-deep, struggling against his tentacles.

And you know what institution Satan seems to LOVE attacking lately?  Marriage.  He will do any and everything he can to destroy marriages.  He seems to relish in it.  Revel in it.  Delight in it.  And it's sick.  He has destroyed the marriages of friends, of my parents, of other people in my life.  And, he got ahold of mine...  No one goes into marriage expecting to end up divorced after a year or two.  You go into it expecting it to last...to go the distance.  And that is what I did.  I went into my marriage blissfully happy and ready to spend the rest of my life with C.  And it seemed for the longest time that it would end up that way.  But eventually, over time, Satan crept in and did his thing and, after a year and nine months of marriage, we divorced.  It hurts.  It sucks.  It is not at all what I expected or planned...yet, here we are.  But, even so, I know God is faithful.  He can be trusted.  He is good.

Redemption...  Let me tell you, that word sounds so sweet--to both those in need of it and not.  It holds the promise of hope, better days, and restoration of God's working in your life.  God can redeem and restore any and all situation, any and every person, any and every place.  God's power to redeem has no limitations.  And I know he will redeem me, redeem C, and redeem our futures apart from one another. God has a plan.  God knows what lies ahead for both of us and I am trusting Him in that.  He has forgiven me and He can redeem me, redeem my life, my past, and my future...and I am thanking Him for that every day.